Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Monday July 16, 2012. Merged Books….

Merge-Matic Books: Combine the works of two authors, and to provide a suitable description of the merged book.

“Machiavelli’s The Little Prince” – Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s classic children’s tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.

“Green Eggs and Hamlet” – Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.

“Where’s Walden?” – Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.

“Catch-22 in the Rye” – Holden learns that if you’re insane, you’ll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you’re flunking out of prep school, you’re probably not insane.

“2001: A Space Iliad” – The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.

“Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi” – Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove Rudyard Kipling’s theory that the mongoose first came to India on a raft from Polynesia.

“The Maltese Faulkner” – Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam’s struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?

“Jane Eyre Jordan” – Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.

“Looking for Mr. Godot” – A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter her life. She has a long wait.

“The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter” – An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.

“Lorna Dune” – An English farmer, Paul Atreides, falls for the daughter of a notorious rival clan, the Harkonnens, and pursues a career as a giant worm jockey in order to impress her.

“The Remains of the Day of the Jackal” – A formal English butler puts his loyalty to his employer above all else, until he is persuaded to join a plot to assassinate Charles deGaulle.

“The Invisible Man of La Mancha” – Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing “To Fight the Invisible Man!” until he is finally stopped by a windmill.

“Of Three Blind Mice and Men” – Burgess Meredith has his limbs hacked off by a psychopathic farmer’s wife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life?

“Planet of the Grapes of Wrath” – Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and regained the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.

“Paradise Lost in Space” – Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and two annoying children.

“The Exorstentialist” – Camus’ psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there’s really no purpose to what it’s doing.

“Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities” – An ’80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice.

“Singing in the Black Rain” – A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the sh*t out of Gene Kelly.

“Fiddlemarch” – Emotionally dessicated medievalist Dr. Casaubon is transformed when everyone in the town reveals that they are Jewish and start to dance and sing a lot.

“A Time To Kill A Mockingbird” – The Alabama KKK, outraged at Atticus Finch for defending a black man in an Alabama rape trial, get revenge by abducting and molesting Scout. Jake Brigance and his lovely law student assistant Ellen Roark arrive from Mississippi to take over defending the case for the distraught Finch, and later defend sharpshooter Finch for taking revenge on the KKK members.

“Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby” – Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn’t as grand as living in it.

“Tarzan of the Grapes” – The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are savedby a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to grapevine.

“Curious Georgefather” – The monkey finally sticks his nose where it don’t belong.

“The Hunchback Also Rises” – Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that’s the good news.

“The Silence of the Hams” – In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables.

“Portnoy’s Choice” – A man is forced to choose between his right and left hand.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.  Jim Davis

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”  Milton Berle

Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Steven Weinberg

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Anonymous

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

I once tried drawing Bill Murray on a one dollar bill but switched to drawing Jude Law. That didn’t work either so I gave up. Washington makes it too hard to turn a Bill into a Law.

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “All I’m saying is, there’s a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one without a fella!”
Answer: Bend It Like Beckham! These words were said by Jules’ mother, Paula, following another unsuccessful attempt to get her daughter out of wearing her usual football shirt. The plot of the 2002 film, “Bend It Like Beckham”, revolved around two football mad teenagers, Jess Bhamra, (played by Parminder Nagra), and Jules Paxton, (played by Keira Knightley). Despite her passion for the sport, as a woman from a traditional Punjabi Sikh family, Jess was forbidden from playing football. However after having a kick-about in the park, where she met Jules, Jess joined a local team, without the knowledge of her family. But unfortunately for Jess, her secret did not remain hidden for long. Moreover the tournament final was held on the same day as Jess’ sister’s wedding, presenting Jess with a further predicament.

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I’m starved, AND I’m armed! Don’t MESS with me!”

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What are the answers to all these clues and what do those answers have in common?

1. An amber tinted paste used on a wienerwurst.

2. A purple fruit

3. Besides the number of days, the months of May and August have this in common.

4. A finely feathered and polychromatic avian friend.

5. A 7 letter word for a pigment like crimson.

6. A bleached and neutral hue.

The answers are: 1. Mustard 2. Plum 3. Green (The color of the birthstones of May and August). 4. Peacock  5. Scarlet 6. White

All these words are the last names of the characters in the game of Clue (Cluedo).

1. Colonel Mustard 2. Professor Plum 3. Mr. Green 4. Mrs. Peacock 5. Miss Scarlet 6. Mrs. White

 

Monday’s Quizzlers is……….
Use the syllables in the sylalist to complete the clues below. Each clue gives how many syllables the answer of it has. Can you complete every question?

Sylalist: com con dent e el el er fort junc man ment na nov o or or phant pi ro rus sat sau scor the tion urn

Clues:

1. Sign of the zodiac (3)

2. A Planet (2)

3. A Mammal (3)

4. Decoration (3)

5. Mansion (2)

6. Long Fiction (2)

7. Rat, Squirrel, etc. (2)

8. Quilted Bedcover (3)

9. Book of Synonyms (3)

10. and, but, for, so, etc. (3)

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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