Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Monday October 1, 2012.   Bumper Stickers…

Dyslexics poets write inverse.   
 
Custer got Siouxed.  
 
My car is a status symbol. The symbol of me being poor!  
 
I may be fat, but you’re ugly – and I can diet.  
 
I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?  
 
JESUS SAVES, he passes to Noah who shoots and SCORES! 
 
Where am I going? And why am I in a handbasket?  
 
JESUS SAVES at Banco de Mexico  
 
My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]  
 
Insanity: a small price to pay for sheer brilliance!  
 
Heavily medicated for your safety.  
 
If at first you don’t succeed, why bother? Your honor student will take care of it.     
 
WWGD: What would Groucho Do?  
 
I’m the product of a secret government project.  
 
My Airman fights for your honor student’s freedom!   
 
I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%? 
 
I can’t get enough minimalism.  
 
Sanity is back-ordered. Sarcasm is in unlimited supply. 
 
I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing. 
 
Egrets? I’ve had a few.  
 
I’m so far behind, I thought I was first. 
 
I am the English Teacher about whom your mother warned you.  
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do, 
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! Emoji
 
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY (By Henny Youngman)
 
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 
 
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, “Cough!” 
 
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!” 
 
The Doctor says, “You’ll live to be 60!” “I AM 60!” “See, what did I tell you?” 
 
A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!” 
 
The patient says, “Doctor, it hurts when I do this.” “Then don’t do that!” 
 
The doctor says to the patient, “Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window”. “What will that do?” asks the patient. The doctor says, “I’m mad at my neighbor!”
 
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!” 
 
“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?” The doctor says, “Limp!” 
 
 
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”  The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box  gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.  
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  “Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing along. You get thirsty. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water – BAM”.
Answer: My Cousin Vinny! “My Cousin Vinny”(1992) is about a New York lawyer who defends his first case in an Alabama courtroom. His clients are his cousin and his cousin’s friend who were mistakenly arrested for murder. Vinny was planning on going hunting with the prosecutor and asked his girlfriend Mona Lisa for advice on what pants he should wear. She said the deer wouldn’t care what pants he was wearing after he took its head off with a bullet.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from???  “Why do you need a fake I.D.?” “So I can vote”.
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Kemal and his parents are part of an expedition that is going to settle a new planet, called Pluvia Three. Kemal knows that at the colony site on the planet, the average temperature is 45 degrees Centigrade, average wind speeds are 8,000 meters per hour, the planet rotates on its axis 431 times for every time it goes around its sun, and each rotation takes a third longer than Earth’s. Rainfall is 254 centimeters per year, and gravity is about 78% of Earth’s. Kemal is allowed to pack any four items from this list of his favorite belongings.
 
down-filled parka, battery-powered portable refrigerator, Asian fighting kite, baseball bat, Mickey Mouse® calendar watch 
inflatable raft, hockey skates, book collection,  Which four items should Kemal pack?  
ANSWER:Kemal should pack his inflatable raft, refrigerator, baseball bat, and books.
45 degrees Centigrade = 113 degrees Fahrenheit
8,000 meters per hour = 8 km per hour = 5 miles per hour
431 revolutions (days) > 365 days in an Earth year
254 cm = 100 in. of rainfall
You can use an encyclopedia, the World Wide Web, or a call to your local weather station to get weather information for the place where you live. You will see that the Pluvia Three colony is very hot, not at all windy, and very wet.
Clearly, it is too warm for the parka or the hockey skates, and there is not enough wind to fly the kite. The Mickey Mouse® watch won’t be much use since the planet has a different calendar from Earth’s 365 days per year and 24 hours per day.
On the other hand, with all that rainfall, there must be lakes and seas where a raft would come in handy. Kemal would want to keep his snacks cool, so the refrigerator would be useful. It would be possible (and probably fun) to play baseball on a planet with lower gravity, although Kemal and his friends might want to make the diamond bigger than it would be on Earth because the ball will fly farther. Finally, you can read books anywhere. That’s one of the nice things about them.
Monday’s Quizzlers is……….
What is this rebus?
NOSE
your money
CHIN
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   MY FAVORITE LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com.  www.schoons.com.  www.awj-Law.com., http://www.greengrassgroundsgroup.com. http://www.cleancomedyguy.com.

 

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