WELCOME to Wednesday, July 29, 2015.
Steven Wright Thoughts..
All the plants in my house are dead–I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.”
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. “We’re surrounded.”
Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. I didn’t know until I got there and set it up. People complained because they couldn’t see the lake. There was a forest nearby, but it wasn’t a regular forest. It was a forest made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It’s a fine night to have an evening.
I wrote a few children’s books… Not on purpose.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store… With a pricing gun… She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store.”
While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “Cut it out.”
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it… It feels real.”
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above… So I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” –Albert Einstein
“Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature’s inexorable imperative.” –H. G. Wells
“If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play at it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.” –Bob Hope
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I’m Robin Hood. I steal from the rich and give to the needy.” “You mean the poor.” “No, I mean the needy. Cuz brother we NEED this car.”
Answer: Gone in Sixty Seconds! This movie starred many great actors, including Nicolas Cage, Will Patton, Giovanni Ribisi, Angelina Jolie and Scott Caan. I loved this movie. This was said between two of the “boosters” as they were stealing one of the cars on the list.
Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I don’t believe it, you want to
have sex with him!”
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Can you decipher these common Christmas Carols?
1. Happiness to the Global Ecosystem
2. Small male percussionist
3. I am experiencing nocturnal visions of a colorless holiday
4. Festoon the Corridors
5. A Non-summer fairytale area
6. Oh holiday conifer
7. Ten plus two twenty-four hour periods of holiday festivity
8. Hey tiny city in Israel
9. In a remote location in a barn stall
ANSWER: 1. Joy to the World 2. Little Drummer Boy 3. I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas 4. Deck the Halls 5. Winter Wonderland
6. Oh Christmas Tree 7. 12 Days of Christmas 8. Oh Little Town of Bethlehem 9. Away in a Manger
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
An antigram is an anagram which has a meaning opposite to its unscrambled version.
NO MORE STARS
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS AND MS. KIM HILLYARD! NICE WORK LADIES!
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/