Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, July 30, 2015.   

Courtroom Quotes…..

The following comments & questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide…really!

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.Emoji

 

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you? 

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I’ll be three months on November 8.

Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.” (General William Westmoreland)

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund–he was attempting to quote the line “a mind is a terrible thing to waste.”)

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.” (Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin) 

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

“There’s no such thing as a tough child–if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.” (W.C. Fields)

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” (Popular Mechanics, 1949)

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” (Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943)

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” (The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957)

“But what … is it good for?” (Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip)

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977)

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” (Western Union internal memo, 1876)

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” (David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s)  

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”  “Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”  

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I don’t believe it, you want to have sex with him!”   

Answer: The Ref! This was said by Kevin Spacey in “The Ref”. He said it to his wife as they were tied up and she was being nice and sweet to the man holding them hostage. She had been unfaithful so he would make smart remarks about it a lot. It’s a funny movie.  

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “My brother likes you. He usually doesn’t like anybody.”

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

An antigram is an anagram which has a meaning opposite to its unscrambled version.

Try these:

EVIL’S AGENTS

REAL FUN

NICE LOVE

NO MORE STARS 

ANSWER:  EVANGELISTS  FUNERAL   VIOLENCE  ASTRONOMERS 

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

Swaff is sitting at his desk, being cool, when his younger brother Geemiee walks up. Geemiee had recently been practicing his (fake) magical powers, trying to turn cheese into more cheese, so he believes he can beat Swaff in anything. He sets up a little competition, the first to get 5 ounces of water to freeze, will be proclaimed the coolest guy in their home.

They set up some rules, as follows:

-They both can only use normal water that comes out of their stainless steel faucet.

-They both use identical containers

-They both must use the same freezer, at the same time.

Now, Swaff realizes that if he were to lose, he would become less cool, he just doesn’t roll like that. So, how can Swaff have the best chance of winning over Geemiee?

 

 

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS. GREAT JOB BANKS! 

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LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org.

 

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