Wednesday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Wednesday, August 19, 2015.    

HOW TO SING THE BLUES……….

by Lame Mango Washington (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, 

revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.” (Which is my wifes ringtone, Jennifer…UKNOW)Emoji

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes … sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:

a. Ashrams

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you’re older than dirt

b. you’re blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived.

d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Wille Nelson has for years.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. mixed drinks

b. kosher wine

c. Snapple

d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

e. Slick Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)

20. I don’t care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Wednesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY    

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.” 

–Henny Youngman 

“Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.” 

–Benjamin Franklin 

“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.” 

–Sir Winston Churchill  

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A psychology professor at the University of Miami knew his students expected a terrifyingly long final exam. To play with their minds a little(what do you expect from a psychology professor?) he only put ONE question on the final exam.

He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams and saw the one question. Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and consternation. All, that is, except for one student. He read the question, tapped his pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the test paper. He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and walked out. The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote, and smiled. The professor wrote “100%” on the top of that student’s test.

The question: What is courage?

The student’s answer: This is.Emoji 

 

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘You’re shaving your chest now?!?’ ‘I didn’t have time to wax.’ 

Answer: The Birdcage! Albert, preparing before going on stage as Starina.  

Wednesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘We will remunerate with metallic tender-disks.’

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

Fill in the sentence below so that the first two words combine to make the third word. For example, given “The prime minister ____ the meeting, even though the ____ was technically the ____ official,” you would fill in RAN, KING, and RANKING.

If there is not enough light to ____, ____ ____ the lamp.    

ANSWER:  If there is not enough light to READ, JUST READJUST the lamp.

 

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

I may run rings around you

Or escape your clutching grip

Or leave a treacherous trail

That gives a sudden slip.

(If you’re not careful!)

You always end up winning,

While I shrink with each new meet:

Our bouts will be my ruin,

But you’ll come out smelling sweet.

What am I?

 

 

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in THURSDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.orgwww.GodLovesPraise.com

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