WELCOME to Thursday, September 10, 2015.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was an unrepentant whisky-maker but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign at a drug rehab center read ‘Keep off the Grass.’
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
When cannibals ate the missionary they got a taste of religion.
In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
Don’t join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“While he was in Alaska, President Obama stopped at a cafe and bought out all of their cinnamon rolls for his staff. The staff was like, ‘Thanks, Obama!’ And the guy behind him in line was like, ‘Yeah, thanks Obama.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“A teenager in Arkansas was arrested after he was caught driving without a license on his way to the DMV to take a driving test, tried to flee, and crashed into a police car. On the plus side, it sounds like he was probably going to fail anyway.” -Seth Meyers
“Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. The researchers are ecstatic, and the mouse is relieved he doesn’t have to keep wearing that stupid toupee.” -Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.
I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn’t pleased. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation.
“The repairs were to the other side,” I noted.
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘I am Norfolk!’ ‘You WERE Norfolk; dead men have no titles.’
Answer: Elizabeth! Walsingham says this to the Duke of Norfolk after he’s arrested for treason.
Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, Chief. I’ll find him for three, but I’ll catch him, and kill him, for ten.’
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
Each of the clues below describe the name of a candy. Can you name them? Example: Galaxy would be a Milky Way.
1. Sign of affection
2. Favorite day for working people
3. Can’t hold on to anything
4. Famous swashbuckling trio
5. Sun explosions
ANSWER: 1. Kisses 2. Payday 3. Butterfingers 4. 3 Musketeers 5. Starbursts
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Unscramble the words below and follow the instructions in parentheses.
1. REDE (Take the 3rd letter)
2. SAVEREB (Take the 4th letter)
3. HERSWS (Take the 5th letter)
4. OSINB (Take the 4th letter)
5. SOMEO (Take the 4th letter)
6. LETANPOE (Take the 5th letter)
Now unscramble the letters you got to find your answer.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/