WELCOME to Monday, January 25, 2016.    

Monday’s Punography……. 

What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.

What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.

Bakers share their bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

Nylons give women a run for their money.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Driving on so many turnpikes was taking its toll.

Ninety eight percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.

What do you call a train loaded with toffee? A chew chew train.

Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Chronic illegal parkers suffer from parking zones disease.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any. 

The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.

Some people don’t like food going to waist.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. 

Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own? Because it’s two tired. 

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.

A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.

What did the painter say to the wall? “One more crack and I’ll plaster you!”

Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

Old policemen never die, they just cop out. 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!     

 

DAILY QUOTES….    

“Amazon has begun revealing details about its upcoming drone delivery program, such as drones adapted specifically to the climate of the city they are in. For example, the Chicago drone will be equipped to handle cold weather, the Seattle drone will be waterproof, and the Detroit drone will be on fire.” -Seth Meyers

“A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: ‘To be, or not to be… Wait, what was the question?'” -Jimmy Fallon

“According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you’re an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.” -Conan O’Brien  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied. Said the store manager, “Sorry, kid, but baggers can’t be juicers.” 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘Oh, I’m sorry! Peck! Peck! Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck!’   

Answer: Willow! Madmartigan said it to Willow while he was in the cage.  

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘He was drunk when he parked it. Never got around to leveling it.’ 

I have one, you have one.

It dies hard!   

ANSWER:  Habit! 

Remove h – a bit remains.

Remove a – bit remains.

Remove b – it remains.

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

In this teaser you have been given two definitions. Each pair of definitions is for two unrelated words. Your task is to discover what these two words are. In the answer to the second word, I took the first word, but changed one of its letters to make a completely different word. (i.e. table – fable)

1. To protect or conceal something – A group of 13 witches.

2. Something that causes things to be made visible – A supernatural being.

3. An announcement of impending information – Someone who has been received into a religious order for an initial period of probation.

4. The center of man’s thought, intellect and understanding process – To drink all the contents of a glass or cup.

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. www.GodLovesPraise.com.