WELCOME to Monday, February 29, 2016.
1. Why do abcdefghijklmopqrstuvwxy & z hate hanging out with the letter n? Because n always has to be the center of attention.
2. The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite, so he went back four seconds.
3. What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
4. Deeply exhaling indicates a negative mood – at least that’s what sighentists say.
5. You can tell if your gold chain is fake by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry.
6. Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.
7. What’s a moth’s life motto? Always look on the bright side.
8. Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes but no cigar.
9. What do auditioning for an acting role and playing sports have in common? If you break a leg, you get cast.
10. Fill out job applications in crayon and if you don’t get hired just blame it on your color.
11. Taking things literally can lead to confusion, but at the end of the day, 11:59.
12. What did Lil Jon do when the hardware store employee tried to sell him a lightbulb? Turned down 4 Watt.
13. What do you call the sound a dog makes when it’s choking on a piece of its owner’s jewelry? A diamond in the ruff.
14. Accidentally broke my Irish friend’s Pixar movie. He wasn’t amused, but he did say “You cracked me Up.”
15. The smell of a deli can make you crave a sandwich subconsciously.
16. Who loves organic orange soda? Kale loves organic orange soda.
17. What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold their downward facing dog pose? Yoga pants.
18. How do you make a digital school bus? With special effects.
19. Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor — it rubbed me the wrong way.
20. What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.
21. How do you impress a baker when you’re taking his daughter on a date? Bring her flours.
22. A stinky man walks into a bar. Unfortunately it isn’t of soap.
23. Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit? Because it was cultured.
24. My vacuum broke in the middle of cleaning and I can’t tell if the situation sucks or not.
25. Shout “out” to baseball players who get three strikes.
26. I hate change but I also hate change, so if the US gets rid of pennies & nickels I’m not sure how I’ll feel.
27. My body is like a dictionary filled with blank pages: thick and no definition.
28. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” – A fashion Police officer to his zipperless sweatshirt.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“Researchers say much of Florida could be underwater by the end of the century. On the bright side, they say it could happen much sooner.” -Conan O’Brien
“Starbucks has unveiled a new rewards system. Previously, you needed only 12 rewards ‘Stars’ to get a free drink; you now need 125. This has made Starbucks customers very angry. I mean, this is all so frustrating. If only there was some way for people to make their own coffee, at home.” -James Corden
“Hasbro announced they are making a new version of Monopoly to appeal to a younger generation. That means it won’t come with any cash, so you’ll have to borrow some from your parents’ Monopoly set.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
My 10-year-old daughter has decided she is an environmentalist. So she talked me into participating in an aggressive recycling effort with her.
Last week she and I took what proved to be 134 pounds of cardboard boxes to the recycling center and earned $1.34. Counting gas and ice cream, we turned a profit of -$7.85.
We’re going to use generally accepted accounting principles and see if we can apply this amount to our taxable income.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Freeze. I said freeze.”
Answer: Renaissance Man! The troops say this as they get in to position for the Sergeant or for the final exam with Mr. Rago. The Sergeant is played by Gregory Hines and Bill Rago is played by Danny DeVito.
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Strawberries are red!”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
We are brave sailors always riding the sea
We are less than one hundred but as tough as can be
We sleep in three bunkers on top of each other
Our numbers double from one bunker to another
We dance in joy all through the night
In groups of fives under the moonlight
Last night twelve of us were swallowed by waves
Leaving alive more than two third of the braves
Still we continue the journey refusing to fail
So tell me how many of us are left to sail?
ANSWER: 58 sailors are left.
1. From line 2: Total number of sailors is <100.
2. From lines 3 & 4: Let number of sailors sleeping in bunker 1 be X, then number of sailors sleeping in bunker 2 is 2X and in bunker 3 is 4X,
i.e. Total number of sailors = X+2X+4X = 7X and thus it is a multiple of 7.
3. From line 6: dancing in groups of fives means the total number is a product of 5.
4. From lines 7 & 8: 12 of the sailors drowned in the sea, leaving more than two third of the sailors alive, so the total number is > 36 (3 * 12).
Summing up all the above given information, the total number of sailors is <100 and >36, it divides by 7 and 5, which adds up to the total number of 70 sailors.
Since 12 of the 70 sailors died in the sea, there are 58 sailors left to continue the journey.
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?
1) canine fur & porcine challenge
2) rock toss & to pack up royal furniture
3) arsonist’s desire & to battle a fibber
4) underground amphibian & bar rules
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/