Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏


WELCOME to Monday, August 22, 2016.   


Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ? 

The light went out, but where to ? 

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have? 

Why is it you have a “pair” of pants and only one bra? 

How come when I call Information they can’t tell me where my keys are? 

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke? 

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? 

Why is the alphabet in that order? 

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? 

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? 

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way. 

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it? 

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? 

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! 

Who’s bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby! Mr. Bigger’s baby because he is a little bigger! 

Do fish get cramps after eating? 

How come abbreviated is such a long word? 

Why are there 5 sylables in the word “monosylabic”? 

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? 

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!    



“In Oregon, a number of brewers are competing to turn sewer water into beer. The brewer said, ‘Hey, if Bud Light can do it, we can do it.'” -Conan O’Brien

“A family cleaning out their grandparents’ attic in Florida found a wooden box containing a mummified pirate’s hand on a map with gold coins. A treasure chest full of gold pirate coins may be cool, but do you know what I have in my attic? Family heirlooms and pictures of all my loved ones – and isn’t that the real treasure? No, no it isn’t. The real treasure is a treasure chest full of gold pirate coins.” -James Corden

“According to a list by ‘Business Insider,’ Washington University in St. Louis is the college with the best food. While the college with the worst food is the Olive Garden’s culinary institute.” -Seth Meyers  


G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen. 

“Careful,” he cries. “Careful! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re gonna stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!” 

The wife turns and asks, “What is wrong with you?” 

Her husband calmly replies, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.” Emoji 



Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You know, there are a million fine looking women in the world, dude, but they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you.”

ANSWER: Clerks! Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) said this to Dante Hicks (Brian O’Halloran) when he found out that Dante was trying to dump Veronica (Marilyn Ghigliotti), and get back together with his former girlfriend, Caitlin (Lisa Spoonhauer). By then, it was too late, and Veronica was already off to fellate 36 more guys. There’s some very well written dialogue in this cult classic, also written and directed by Kevin Smith. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???  “All you boys have seemed to learn is that Caesar is a ‘salad dressing dude’.”


Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Complete the words below using three consecutive letters in alphabetical order, e.g. _ _ A _ U S; add A B and C it would become ABACUS.

1. _ _ R _ E S,

2. D O _ I _ _,

3. _ R A _ I _,

4. _ O U _ _ T,

5. _ _ A _ U E,

6. _ A Y _ A _. 

ANSWER:  1. Turves, 2. Domino,  3. Arabic,  4. Fought,  5. Opaque,  6. Layman.  



Monday’s Quizzler is……….

The items in each group are related to each other. Try to figure out the noun or adjective that is common to all the items in the group.

Group A

A person

A clock

A cliff

Group B

A dress

A ship

An aircraft

Group C

A feather

A torch

A low calorie beer

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at      


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