WELCOME to Friday, August 26, 2016.
Here’s the story…..
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied: “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There were twelve disciples, not ten.
4. The communion wafer is consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not generally referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails” — Spencer Tracy
“I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’” — Emo Philips
“Dogs have no money. They’re broke their entire lives. You know why dogs
have no money? No pockets” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Money without brains is always dangerous.” Napoleon Hill
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” — Robin Williams
“Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet” — Robin Williams
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Pat: Hey, Chris! How’s your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I’m really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can’t believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he’s a parrot fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you’re never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Chris: That’s what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It’s driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “We got no food, no clothes. Our pets’ heads are falling off!”
ANSWER: Dumb and Dumber! Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey) said this after both he and Harry (Jeff Daniels) lost their jobs, and after a hitman left them a message by cutting the head off Harry’s parakeet. This prompted them to go on a road trip. They raised some extra money for the road trip by taping the parakeet’s head back on and selling it to a young blind boy. This scene became even funnier when the boy later told the story of how he was duped on the primetime TV show, “A Current Event”. I almost lost it when they interviewed that kid.
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman; he’s got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.”
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Each of the following clues describes two words. One of the words is a type of fruit. The other word is that fruit with one of the following changes: a letter added anywhere (apple applet), a letter deleted anywhere (orange range), or a letter changed anywhere (cheery cherry). There is no rearrangement of the other letters. No fruit is used more than once.
1) This is a devilish fruit.
2) This is a crippled fruit.
3) This is a happy fruit.
4) This is a criminal fruit.
5) This is a large fruit.
6) This is a tardy fruit.
7) This is a sullen fruit.
8) This is an up-to-date fruit.
9) This is a handkerchief worn by a fruit.
10) This is a popular dance among fruit.
11) This is a complaint by a fruit.
12) This is a weapon used by a fruit.
ANSWER: 1) demon lemon
2) lame lime
3) merry berry
4) felon melon
5) big fig
6) late date
7) glum plum
8) current currant
9) banana bandana
10) mango tango
11) grape gripe
12) pear spear
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Beginning with the word “in,” add one letter from the given pool to create a new word until you get a seven-letter word meaning “being in a state of suppressed agitation, worry, or resentment.”
Pool: T G E S W