WELCOME to Tuesday, September 13, 2016.
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, ‘I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it.’ ‘But I paid a million dinars for it,’ the King protested. ‘Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!’ Croesus replied, ‘When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.’
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we’ll never know for whom the Tell’s bowled.
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, ‘Doctor! I think I’m shrinking.’ The doctor calmly responded, ‘Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.’
4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
5. Back in the 1800’s, Tate’s Watch Company of Waltham, Massachusetts wanted to produce other products. Since they already made watch cases, they used them to produce compasses, but the new compasses were so erratic that peopleoften ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, ‘He who has a Tate is lost.’
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, ‘We have absolutely nothing to go on.’
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, ‘The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.’
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, ‘I must have taken Leif off my census.’
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal *brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, ‘Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?’
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“According to new research from the CDC, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana than their teenage kids. In other words, your mom finally made weed uncool like she did to Myspace.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone tomorrow, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. And this is convenient, the included ear buds will come ‘pre-lost.'” -Seth Meyers
“Last night they held a debate called the Commander-in-Chief Forum. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump answered questions about national security. It took place right here in New York on the aircraft carrier Intrepid. Once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were tempted to cut it loose and let it drift out to sea.” -Stephen Colbert
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
“Hi, I’m calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.”
Secretary at high school answered, “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll note her absence. Who is this calling please?”
“This is my mother.”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “Who’s done more research than the good people at the American Tobacco Industry? They say it’s harmless; why would they lie? If you’re dead, you can’t smoke.”
ANSWER: Kingpin! Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) said this to Ishmael Boorg (Randy Quaid) when Ishmael was telling of the dangers of smoking. “They say it’s bad for your heart, your lungs, it quickens the aging process.” Munson had a good point, and Ishmael gave up the preaching, at least for the moment.
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Hey, wait a minute, man. Every time I do coke, you get on that ‘every-time-I-do-coke’ rap, man.”
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Can you decipher this:
ANSWER: Mixing business with pleasure. PbLuEsAiSnUeRsEs
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Can you determine the nursery rhyme being stated below?
Once upon a time there was this ovum consisting of an envelope of albumen, jelly and membranes which decided to moor its entirety on a parapet. Then rather suddenly, and without notice, the ovular succumbed to the Brobdingnagian gravitational pull. The result was that the entire embodiment of the paramount’s yeomanry and herbivores were unequal to the task of assemblage.