WELCOME to Friday, January 13, 2016.
The guide for all men
WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need… = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want… = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk… = I need to complain Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = …and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper….. Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What’s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an idiot!
Hey don’t shoot the messenger, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody …”
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??”
“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!”
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘Men aren’t attentive to girls who wear glasses.’
ANSWER: ‘How To Marry A Millionaire’ Spoken by Pola Debevoise (Marilyn Monroe) to Freddie Denmark (David Wayne).
Friday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘That fella’s been the raspberry seed in my wisdom tooth long enough!’
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
My creator is a mystery,
One that’s set in stone.
My origins, my history,
Still totally unknown.
Tests of time I’ve had to face,
My strength and my endurance
Cause of weakness; it’s your race,
But I’m free of all life currents.
Was I a calendar, a tomb, a shrine?
We’ve all wondered it before.
We don’t know… but I’m a wonder!
I can tell you that for sure.
What am I?
ANSWER: Stonehenge. The first verse describes the mystery that is Stonehenge. Although there are theories, we’re still not absolutely positive who built it, how it was built, or why. The second verse refers to the body of Stonehenge and the damage humans have caused. Each of the vertically-set stones weigh roughly over 5 tonnes, but tourists and passers-by have damaged and vandalized some smaller boulders also part of Stonehenge. There may also have been even more stones that were part of the broken circle that have now gone. Of course, rocks are lifeless, which explains the “life currents” mention. The final verse explains some of the different theories developed for the purpose of Stonehenge. Some have said it was used to mark dates with the help of the sun’s alignment, it may have been a burial ground, or even a temple of worship. The capitalized words in the hint were used quite literally: Stonehenge is made of STONE, and it is one of the WONDERS of the world.
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
A man escapes from jail with help from his girlfriend. Four girls are accused of being the man’s girlfriend. His girlfriend is lying. Two girls are innocent and telling the truth. The other girl is the man’s sister who is helping the girlfriend lie. Who is the man’s sister?
Amanda: “Melinda is his girlfriend.”
Vanessa: “Eva is lying.”
Eva: “Amanda is lying.”
Melinda: “Vanessa is not his sister.”
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! NICE WORK BANKS!
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org. www.GodLovesPraise.com, www.stlzoo.org