WELCOME to Tuesday, April 18, 2017.
1. Mahatma Gandhi, as you may or may not know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
2. A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. A stunned patron then asks the waiter, “What was that all about?” The waiter responded, “That’s just the way pandas are,” and walked away. Well, the patron didn’t know what a panda was, so at home that night he looks up “panda” in the dictionary and what he finds explains everything: “Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves.”
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank. This proves once again you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He gained his stature from pi.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
8. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she says to her husband, “I wish I had a picture of Ahmal as well.”
Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
9. A monastery was behind on their belfry payments. They decided to open a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down. They would not. He went back later and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they finally did. The moral of the story? Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“A Vatican cardinal said Jesus was the original tweeter. I don’t know how
popular he was. He only had 12 followers.” -Conan O’Brien
“A company in California has started selling a new cologne that smells like whiskey.
I think my dad’s been wearing that cologne for 40 years.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher
risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week she asked each child in turn what they had learned.
Susie said, “He was born in a manger.”
Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.”
Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.”
Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?”
“From my Daddy,” said Johnny. “Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck
pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, ‘Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?'”
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘A hit record is like stew. All the ingredients have to come together just right. Otherwise, it’s just soup.’
ANSWER: That Thing You Do! Spoken by Phil Horace (Chris Ellis) to The Wonders (Tom Everett Scott, Jonathan Schaech, Ethan Embry, and Steve Zahn).
Tuesday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
‘Relax, would you? We have 70 dollars and a pair of girls’ underpants. We’re safe as kittens.’
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
What does this mean?
ANSWER: Search high and low
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
What is the longest common word that uses all five vowels only once, and in reverse alphabetical order?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/