WELCOME to Friday February 2, 2018.
Steven Wright, Master of the Absurd!
Whenever everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
What’s the youngest you can die of old age?
I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then
I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it.”
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.
When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great SUPER BOWL weekend people, and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde
Happiness is not by chance; but by choice. – Jim Rohn
Curiosity is one of the most permanent and certain
characteristics of a vigorous intellect. – Samuel Johnson
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love
what you are doing, you will be successful. – Albert Schweitzer
This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man. – William Shakespeare
Ideas without action are worthless. – Harvey Mackay
One never knows what each day is going to bring. The important
thing is to be open and ready for it. – Henry Moore
It is never too late to be what you might have been. – George Eliot
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
“I’m assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?” I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, “I’m self-absorbed.” 😐
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
“I only need to know one thing – where they are”?
ANSWER: Aliens! The second of the four films, ‘Aliens’ was released in 1986 and directed by James Cameron.
Vasquez (the rather butch female marine) says this when Ripley is trying to brief them about what they will be facing.
Fridays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“I’m not a nymphomaniac, I’m a compulsive liar”?
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
What expression is hidden here?
time+time you dough manipulation take take pets take take step step
ANSWER: Sometimes you need to take one step backwards to take two steps forwards.
Sometimes: time+time = sum times or ‘sometimes’
need: dough manipulation = knead or ‘need’
to take: take take = two take or ‘to take’
one step backwards: pets = step written backwards once
to take: as above
two steps forwards: step step = step written forwards twice
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Below are anagrams of some musical instruments popular in a particular style of music.
Your task is to discover what these instruments are and the style of music. I have placed the
number of letters in brackets if there are two words. Good luck.
O! A pin
A U.S. bobsled (6, 4)
A drab show
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/