Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

WELCOME to Monday February 12, 2018.  

How can one TV station have the “exclusive” accurate weather? Did they “storm” in and scoop the others?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I’ve only been driving for 10 minutes?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If a brown cow eats green grass why is it’s milk white?
If a giraffe had a sore throat, how many lozenges would it need to make it better?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, would it be considered a hostage situation?
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?
If a turtle does not have a shell on, is he homeless or naked?
If a vegetarian is someone who eats vegetables, what does that make a humanitarian?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If beef comes from a cow and ham from a pig, why do they put beef in hamburgers?
If breaks are meant to be slow… then why do they call it “breakfast”?
If corn oil comes from corn….where does baby oil come from?
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If helium existed in a solid form, and you ate it would you get heavier or lighter?
If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
If love is blind, is lingerie considered Braille?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
“Doritos is reportedly looking into launching a so-called lady-friendly chip that doesn’t crunch as loudly. Because there’s no more appropriate snack for the #MeToo era than a chip that tells women to be quiet.” -Seth Meyers
“A new study found that the amount of man-made heat that’s absorbed by the ocean has doubled since 1997. The main source of that heat? That kid who’s waist deep at the beach with that weird smile on his face.” -Jimmy Fallon
“I read today Best Buy and Target are planning to stop selling CDs in their stores. To which I say: Best Buy and Target are still selling CDs? For those too young to remember, CDs were these shiny discs that would get scratched almost immediately and would sit in a binder of the back seat of the car until you sold the car.” -Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five- year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping.
As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, “I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator.” To which the lady replies “Good Heavens, no! Don’t shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son’s picture on his back.”😐


Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘You can’t handle the truth!’
ANSWER: A Few Good Men
Mondays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life, that’s easy. PEZ. Cherry flavored PEZ. No question about it.’
Friday’s Quizzler is………. 
We are many guards of a precious gate
Sometimes we lean backward and sometimes we stand straight
Some of us are short and some are tall
We never quit the fight but we might fall
We wear war paint and cover in black
We always defend but never will attack
ANSWER: Eye lashes

Monday’s Quizzler is……….
The following is a true story.

My friends and I were enjoying the atmosphere (and food) at an authentic English pub in town. We all ordered tea, and the barmaid brought us all our preferred variety. She passed by each of us and asked, “Would you like milk or lemon?” One of my friends simply said “Yes” and quickly poured a bit of milk and squeezed a lemon wedge into his cup. He passed the milk back to the young lady who smiled and said “I’ll be right back with another cup for you, sir.”

My friend was confused at first, but upon her return he was happy to have a fresh cup. What had happened to necessitate a new cup of tea?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at


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