Welcome, to Tuesday, January 19th! Here’s a story for ladies everywhere. Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I’d nibbled, the chocolate I’d tasted at the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber), I’d remember the marvellous meals I’d prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, and the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.” As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt and prepared once again to do battle with dirt… I said to myself, as I only can, “You can’t spend a Summer, disguised as a man!” So, away with the last of the sour cream dip. Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip. Every last bit of food that I like must be banished till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won’t have a cookie, not even a lick. I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie. I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore… But isn’t that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have great day people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
Quotes of the Day
“NASA says that a mystery object passed by Earth yesterday morning. They’re not sure what it was, but it missed the Earth by 80,000 miles, so it could have been a Northwest flight.” -Jay Leno
“In Sweden, a group attending a Weight Watchers meeting were lined up for a weigh-in when the floor collapsed. Police at the scene are describing the accident as hilarious.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Tiger Woods had an accident on Thanksgiving in his Cadillac Escalade and GM isn’t renewing their contract with him, which means the No. 1 golfer in the world does not have a caddy.” -Jimmy Kimmel
Joke of the Day*
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren’t helpful and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Answer: Harold and Maude. Harold (Bud Cort) is a rich, bored twenty-year-old obsessed with death. When he meets seventy-year-old Maude (Ruth Gordon), who marvels over life, a very unusual friendship unfolds, in Hal Ashby’s hilarious cult classic. “Give back the head Madam…” is what Uncle Victor shouts when, in a staged event to help Harold avoid military service, Maude grabs the shrunken head Harold has pulled from inside his coat and runs away to throw it into the sea. “They weed out…” is what Harold’s mother informs her son prior to their filling out his computer dating application. “She supplies…” Harold’s mother proclaims, with regards to Harold’s second computer date, Edith, a file clerk.
serGeant
geNeral
ensIgn
priVate
colOnel
adMiral
Tuesday’s Quizzler is…
ssugarpsugarosugarosugarn
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TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO SWEETJAZZ5 AND MS. CARRIE PALOMBO! INCREDIBLE JOB LADIES!
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