Welcome, ‏to Monday October 25, 2010.  The Darwin Awards……

The long awaited Darwin “Natural Selection” Awards have been released! These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Ladies And Gentlemen… (drum roll… and envelope please)… We proudly present the “Natural Selection” awards:

5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff’s Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.

3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

2nd Runner-up: “Man loses face at party”. A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used a .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.

Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. “Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it”, said Payne. “It wouldn’t go off and this guy said I’ll show you how to set it off.”

“He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off”, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. “I just can’t imagine anyone doing something like that” Payne said.

1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men’s rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant’s Pass, Oregon.

A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert’s right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, “I feel so dumb about this”. No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney’s office said the initiation stunt is unde investigation.

Now this year’s winners:(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to “hop” over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.

They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.

Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves Scratched his ENTIRE body, without the protection of his shorts. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches.

(The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.

Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked, scratches on his body, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
 
Hey I’m just saying! Have a eye opening Monday folks, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace I am outta here!    

Q u o t e s  o f  t h e  d a y !  

Those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it. Winston Churchill 

And this above all unto thine own self be true and it shall follow as the day the night – thou can’st not then be false to any man. William Shakespeare 

All you need is trust and a little bit of pixie dust!  Peter Pan 

Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.  Confucius

Every time you say you dont believe in fairies, a fairy dies. Peter Pan

‘Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.’  Dr Seuss   

G u a r a n t e e d  t o  R o l l  Y o u r  E y e s 

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?” “No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”  

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Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? “Basic principles. There are none.” 

Answer: Hitch! “Hitch” (2005) stars Will Smith as “the Date Doctor”, a man who gets paid to advise men on how to get the women of their dreams to accept their advances. Alex “Hitch” Hitchens’ voice-over at the beginning of the film informs the audience that there are certain “basic principles” that must be acknowledged in order to navigate romance successfully…but by the film’s end, he seems to have abandoned that concept completely. This last line, oddly enough, is delivered directly to the audience.  

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!  What movie is this quote from???? A: “So? What do you think?” B: “I think…it’s not all bad.”

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Friday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2005, try and identify which song or which artist.” “Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends”      

ANSWER: Rob Thomas’s song ‘Lonely No More’!

Monday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2005 try and identify which song or which artist.” “I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, but I’ve gotta get a move on with my life.”

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Friday’s Quizzler is..  

Each sentence has a different dog breed hidden in it. Can you find them all?
1. Always be a gleeful person to those around you.
2. He did trap ugly creatures in the net.
3. Joe ate the ham as Tiffany dished up dinner.
4. Angela got to the city early to do some shopping.
5. She tried to whip petticoats up in time for the performance.
6. They looked at the spruce sky and wondered where it came from.  

ANSWER: Beagle – Always BE A GLEeful person to those around you.  Pug – He did traP UGly creatures in the net.  Mastiff – Joe ate the haM AS TIFFany dished up dinner.
Lagotto – AngeLA GOT TO the city early to do some shopping.  Whippet – She tried to WHIP PETticoats up in time for the performance. Cesky – They looked at the spruCE SKY and wondered where it came from.  I have included information from the NZKC on two of the breeds you may not have heard of.  “The Cesky Terrier exists due to the efforts of a Czechoslovakian breeder named Frantisek Horak. The Cesky is a relatively new breed, first recognised by the FCI in 1963. They are a mixture of Sealyham and Scottish Terriers possibly with other terriers added.” “The Lagotto Romagnolo is an old breed dating back to the 1300’s; it has remained the same in appearance and conformation over the centuries. It hails from the northeastern area of Italy known as Romagna. Its original job was as a water dog used in the hunt for water fowl.”

Monday’s Quizzler is… 

Each group of definitions describes three words that are spelled the same, except for one letter (each group describes a different set of words). Example: king, ring, wing. The length of the words in each group is provided.

1) a small bundle & a pointed stake for a fence & a small isolated area or group (6 letters)
2) to express in words & not freshly made & to look fixedly at something (5 letters)
3) a dance that conveys a story & a makeshift bed & a hammer-like implement (6 letters)
4) a local branch of a society & a mercantile lease of a ship & to talk incessantly (7 letters)   

 TODAY’S QUIZZMASTERS OF THE DAY AWARD FOR THURSDAY GOS TO SWEETJAZZ5 AND MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB LADIES!

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