WELCOME to Monday, December 12, 2011. Thoughts from Steven Wright……..

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” And I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so… he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.”
I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. She said, “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were!
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I’m not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don’t like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can’t hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this [[[]]][[]][[[[. I go down to the pet store — “Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday.”
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, “Hey, these records are all blank.”
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

That’s my story and I’m sticking too it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

QUOTES OF THE DAY….

“A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.” —Stephen Fry

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” —Groucho Marx

“The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” —Unknown

“A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend’s houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.” —Unknown 

G U A R A N T E D  T O  M A K E  Y O U  L A F F….

 A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.  Stallone says “I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart”  So the Director says, “Very well, you can be Mozart” Then he turns to Arnie and says “Arnie, who would you like to play ?” And Arnie says “Ah’ll be Bach!”

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Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?What movie is this quote from??? “You went in there to get a date and came out with a dog? Oh, that’s bad even for you.”Answer: Garfield: The Movie. Based on the popular comic strip of the same name, this 2004 film received mostly bad reviews, even from fans of the strip. Despite this, a sequel was released in 2006 anyway. The movie stars Bill Murray as Garfield, Breckin Meyer as his owner, Jon, and Jennifer Love Hewitt as Garfield’s veterinarian and the object of Jon’s affection, Dr. Liz Wilson. This quote is said by Garfield in reference to Jon’s attempt to ask Liz out on a date, though he somehow managed to get saddled with a new pet dog, Odie, in the process because he was so smitten with Liz.

Mondays Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from?? “This is the kind of conversation two people have when one of them is female.”
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Friday’s Crazy Song Definitions, this quiz features popular songs from 2008/2010, try and identify which song or which artist. “Right now he’s probably slow dancing with a beach blonde tramp and she’s probably getting frisky, Right now he’s probably buying her some fruity little drink cause she can’t take a whiskey…”?Answer: Before he Cheats. “Before He Cheats” is a country song by Carrie Underwood, who herself has beach blonde hair in my opinion!

Monday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2009/2010, try and identify which song or which artist. “You walk and talk like you’re some new sensation, You move in circles you don’t need an invitation”

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The following sentences have two blanks that can be filled with two words that are anagrams of each other. Please find those words 1. My __________ are so talented that we are putting on a show. My extended family is so __________ that we have singers, dancers, a magician as well as a band. 2. As the crime scene was in the grove of __________, the __________ team was having a hard time collecting evidence. 3. My wife bought eight __________ at the fruit stand. As there is only seven in my family, she had a __________ one.
ANSWER:  1. RELATIVES, VERSATILE 2. CONIFERS, FORENSIC 3. PEARS, SPARE