WELCOME to Friday July 12, 2012. …. Steven Wright, Master of the Absurd!
Whenever everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
What’s the youngest you can die of old age?
I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then
I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it.”
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.
When I told my roommate, he said: “Do I know you?”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people, and whatever you do,
don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“The White House is telling Americans not to ‘read too much’ into Friday’s
bad jobs report. Or as Americans put it, ‘You had me at ‘don’t read too much.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“Road kill is now legal to eat in Illinois. It’s part of their new ‘Meals Under Wheels’ program.” -Jay Leno
“A new study shows that monkeys can look at photos and recognize other
monkeys they know. However, the study also shows that monkeys are terrible with names.” -Conan O’Brien
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
I walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform.
“I’m assuming this is a costume, but just what are you supposed to be?” I asked.
The waitress responded proudly, “I’m self-absorbed.”
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “I feel just like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”. You know, except for the whole hooker thing.”
Answer: She’s All That! These words were said by Laney, following her dramatic makeover, courtesy of Zach’s sister, Mackenzie. The plot of the 1999 film, “She’s All That”, revolved around geeky art student, Laney Boggs, (played by Rachael Leigh Cook), and popular jock, Zack Siler, (played by Freddie Prinze, Jr). After being dumped by his girlfriend, Zack accepted his friend’s bet, and made it his mission to turn Laney into a prom queen. Although initially wary, Laney soon warmed to Zack, up until the terms of the bet were revealed.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “All I’m saying is, there’s a reason why Sporty Spice is the only one without a fella!”
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
A palindrome is a word or phrase that reads the same, if it’s turned back-to-front. The names Bob, Eve, and Otto are all palindromes. So is the name of the pop group Abba. Try to identify palindromic words from the following clues. Good luck!
Example: Part of the body
Answer: Eye
1. Midday 2. A young dog 3. Flat 4. Word for addressing a lady 5. An Eskimo canoe 6. A system for detecting aircraft, ships, etc. 7. An action 8. Pieces of music for one person 9. Grass that grows on the seashore 10. In music, half a semibreve 11. Doctrine 12. Restorer
ANSWER: 1. Midday – Noon 2. A young dog – Pup 3. Flat – Level 4. Word for addressing a lady – Madam 5. An Eskimo canoe – Kayak 6. A system for detecting aircraft, ships, etc. – Radar 7. An action – Deed
8. Pieces of music for one person – Solos 9. Grass that grows on the seashore – Marram
10. In music, half a semibreve – Minim 11. Doctrine – Tenet 12. Restorer – Reviver
Friday’s Quizzlers is……….
What are the answers to all these clues and what do those answers have in common?
1. An amber tinted paste used on a wienerwurst.
2. A purple fruit
3. Besides the number of days, the months of May and August have this in common.
4. A finely feathered and polychromatic avian friend.
5. A 7 letter word for a pigment like crimson.
6. A bleached and neutral hue.
HATS OFF TO OUR QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! SUPERSOLVING BANKS!
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
MY FAVORITE LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org.www.hopeBUILD.org.www.Eucmaninc.net.www.wcscatering.com.,
http://www.Beaumont77.com., http://www.schoons.com.,www.awj-law.com.,http://www.greengrassgroundsgroup.com/.,http://cleancomedyguy.com/
The World According to the Eucman! 