WELCOME to Monday September 17, 2012.  Life’s really not like the movies.

Movies: The hero calmly walks away without flinching as the building explodes behind him.

Real life: You totally crap yourself when a car backfires behind you.

Movies: The hero takes a bullet to the shoulder, winces, pours whiskey on the wound and cuts the bullet out with his knife.

Real life: You get a paper cut, cry like a schoolgirl, and demand worker’s comp.

Movies: Spectacular super slo-mo action.

Real life: What the hell just happened?

Movies: The plumber is young, handsome, tan, and snakes your pipes in return for “snaking your pipes.”

Real life: The plumber looks like Ernest Borgnine after an all-night bender and charges $150 to walk in the door.

Movies: The tough cowboy bursts through the swinging doors of the Main Street Saloon and serves up some justice to the bad guy who’s been running roughshod over the townspeople by brute force.

Real life: The waiter bursts through the swinging doors of the Wall Street kitchen and serves up some caviar crepes with truffle pesto sauce to bad guy who’s been running roughshod over the townspeople by loot force.

Movies: You finally find the inner fortitude to uppercut the school bully, sending him into a punchbowl and/or cake.

Real life: Years later, you find yourself serving the same bully punch and/or cake.

Movies: When you deliver a pizza, you’re greeted at the door by shapely horny women who invite you in for the ultimate sexual fantasy.

Real life: When you deliver a pizza, you’re greeted at the door by a fantasy baseball league.

Movies: Hottie behind the register at Victoria’s Secret flashes a little cleavage, and beckons him to the back room.

Real life: Scotty behind the register at Costco flashes a little man-boob, and asks if he can bum a smoke off you out back.

Movies: The hero always slides the back of two fingers down the pretty girl’s cheek and says, “You know how the game is played, don’t you sweetie?”

Real life: You try it once and HR gets involved.

Movies: Boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back.

Real life: Boy loses girl, boy loses another girl, boy tries boy, boy loses boy, too.

Movies: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, usually drunk swashbuckling pirate who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.

Real life: Johnny Depp is a quasi-effeminate, moderately talented actor who can somehow sleep with any woman he wants.

Movies: James Bond deftly clips the correct wire and defuses the terrorist-rigged nuclear bomb, saving an entire city.

Real life: You attempt to change a fuse in your basement and inadvertently cause a city-wide blackout.

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people, and whatever you do, 

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 

That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them 

and you have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

 

”Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to 

walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to 

sit down and shut-up.” – Unknown

 

“If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?” – Milton Berle

 

“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and 

not be questioned about their motives.” – Unknown

 

“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up 

I will just hit them all at once.” – Unknown

 

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be 

boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

 

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing

 – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar 

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 It’s hell to get old. A man said, “Windy, isn’t it?” “No,” another woman replied, “It’s Thursday.” 

An old man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s go get a Coke.” 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  “Would you like a sip of my wine?” “I’ve never had a sip of a gentleman’s wine before.”

[She takes a swig from his bottle] “Ooooh, it’s very potent!”

Answer: Tom Jones! In this scene a tipsy Tom Jones (played as an adult by a young Albert Finney), has just been thrown out of the house of Tom’s benefactor, Squire Allworthy (George Devine), and has run into comely servant girl Molly Seagrim (Diane Cilento). Tom flirtatiously asks line one, Molly replies with line two, and after a sip of wine she says line four. Tom was celebrating the recovery of Squire Allworthy from a serious carriage accident, but while tipsy has insulted Mr. Thwackum (Peter Bull) and picked a fight with nephew Blifil (David Warner). Mr. Allworthy’s recovery means Mr. Thwackum and others will not be receiving their expected inheritance. Tom is a child of unknown parentage who is being raised as a gentleman in 18th century England by Squire Allworthy. This wonderfully entertaining movie tells the story of Tom Jones, who is both charming and likeable, but seems unable to resist the advances of any attractive lady he meets.

 

In the 1964 Academy Awards “Tom Jones” won four Oscars, including Best Picture. Albert Finney, Hugh Griffith, Diane Cilento, Edith Evans and Joyce Redman were all nominated for Oscars but didn’t win. In my opinion, Hugh Griffith should have won for Best Supporting Actor (he is just wonderful in this movie). Blifil (the son of Squire Allworthy’s widowed sister Bridget) was played by David Warner at the beginning of his acting career. He is perhaps best known for playing Spicer Lovejoy (Cal’s right-hand man) in the 1997 movie “Titanic”. “Tom Jones” is based on English author Henry Fielding’s classic 1749 novel “The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling” and is one of my all-time favorites (the version with Albert Finney, Susannah York, and Hugh Griffith). 

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  “Some would say not a great seaman, but a great leader.” “He’s England’s only hope if old Boney intends to invade.” “Sir, might we press you for an anecdote?” “The first time he spoke to me, I shall never forget his words. I remember it like it was yesterday. He leaned across the table, he looked me straight in the eye, and he said “Aubrey, may I trouble you for the salt?””

 

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Can you find 13 animals hidden in these words? Pheasantoadderaturtleechareelionewtiger  

 

ANSWER:  Pheasant, ant, toad, adder, rat, turtle, leech, char, hare, eel, lion, newt, tiger.

 

Monday’s Quizzlers is……….

Which noun, from group B, belongs in group A? 

Why?

 

Group A

 

Man,

Foot,

Child,

Tooth,

Mouse.

 

Group B

 

Girl,

Hand,

Adult,

Toe,

Goose.

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! INCREDIBLE SOLVING JOB BANKS! 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/   MY FAVORITE LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com.  www.schoons.com.  www.awj-Law.com., http://www.greengrassgroundsgroup.com. http://www.cleancomedyguy.com.