WELCOME to Tuesday April 2, 2013. Why I Can’t Come to Work Today..
If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata’s acting up.
I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 
QUOTES OF THE DAY
A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it advises you not to drive. If you’re really, really drunk, it advises you not to call your old girlfriend.
“This is the kind of thing that would bum out any young guy. I just found out my father lost his hair–in a slap fight.” –Vernon Chatman
“According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they have tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American men actually need one.” –Jay Leno
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Pauly walks into a bar and says “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, Pauly, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, eh?” Pauly says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!” The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!” Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says “You mean they’ll PAY me on top of it?”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “I wish I knew how to quit you.”
Answer: Brokeback Mountain! Jack Twist (played by Jake Gyllenhaal) says this to Ennis Del Mar (played by Heath Ledger) when their relationship has become too difficult to continue. Twist wants to stop their relationship but is having difficulty. Twist and Del Mar are two cowboys who fall in love while hired to tend sheep. The movie is based on the book by E. Annie Proulx.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
The following sentences have two blanks that can be filled with two words that are anagrams of each other. Please find those words.
1. In the TV commercial, an indignant woman __________ the salesman because she has been unable to obtain the promised __________.
2. The game went into triple overtime. The quarterback was exhausted and knew this was no time for his team to ______ energy. They were so dehydrated that they weren’t even able to ______.
3. The famous mathematician __________ that he had invented a new __________ system.
ANSWER: BERATES, REBATES
WASTE, SWEAT
CLAIMED, DECIMAL
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
Three 5-letter words,
Anagrams of each other.
One is a cloth,
The second a spot,
The third is at home with the Father.
What are the three words?
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases! 
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Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com. https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.
The World According to the Eucman! 