WELCOME to Tuesday April 9, 2013. Once upPUN a time…..

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

 

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

 

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, “O, there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”

 

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

 

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”

 

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, “Are you all right?” “No, I lost an electron!” “Are you sure?” Yeah, I’m positive!”

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

 

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

 

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

 

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a tepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a tepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

“A company called Dog Nation just launched an IQ online test for your dog. It covers understanding hand gestures and learning words. It’s actually a secret IQ test for humans. If you pay $60 to give your dog an IQ test, you failed.” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A man in New Jersey was arrested for stealing $100,000 worth of perfume. Not good. I mean, if there’s one thing you don’t want in jail, it’s to smell pretty.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Jay Leno, for leaving ‘The Tonight Show’ for the second time, gets $15 million. It’s the same deal the old Pope got.” -Dave Letterman

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Lukes hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr Maynard was actually admitted to Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight…”

 

Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???   “You know, if I had a face like yours, I’d try to make up for it with some sort of personality!”

 

Answer: Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze!  The character Raphael said this to the character Tatsu in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” (1991). The Ninjas had just broken into Foot Headquarters where Shredder and the other bad guys had stashed the last canister of ooze which was used to create the Turtles. Tatsu was really ugly and Raphael had been making these comments as they were fighting.  

 

Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  “Brilliant, isn’t he? Completely demented, of course. Terrifying to be in the same room with him.” 

 

 

Monday’s Quizzler is……….

Two men are sitting on a bench waiting for the bus. One is dressed very nicely and the other looks like a bum.

The bum says to the other, “I really like your shirt, where’d you get it?”

The second man replies, “I bought it at a very exclusive shop, I’m sure you’ve never heard of it,” clearly annoyed at the bum’s question. The bum, clearly annoyed at the rich man’s snobbish behaviour says, “Is that so? Well, I bet you $50.00 I know where you got your shoes!”  The rich man took him up on the bet.  What answer got the poor man the $50.00?

 

ANSWER:  His answer is, “You got them on your feet!”

 

Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….

From wood it’s made,

From string it’s made,

It floats upon the wind.

It’s made by one,

It’s made by many,

From hands and mouths it spins.

A score without a game.

A staff not for the lame.

With seven letters tamed.

With five letters named

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.