WELCOME to Friday April 22, 2013. A Idiots Life Guide!
Don’t eat rocks.
Don’t take naps in the road.
Don’t stoke fires with your fingers.
Don’t throw a brick straight up.
Don’t breathe car exhaust.
If you ever meet the President, don’t offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Don’t stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you’re traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don’t do it with your head.
Don’t flip off the Mafia.
If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
Don’t shave with a lawn mower.
Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you should put things into them.
Don’t stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what’s inside.
The warning “Don’t try this at home” really means “Don’t try this at all.”
Don’t bathe in a tub full of snow.
Don’t iron clothes while wearing them.
The expression “Life in the fast line” should not inspire you to live in the road.
Don’t eat hot coals.
Don’t escape in to jail.
Don’t wash floors with cough syrup.
Don’t kick porcupines with bare feet.
Don’t sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
Sell at most one of your kidneys.
Don’t lie down in a cattle pen.
Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
Don’t test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
Don’t snap towels at passing cops.
Don’t throw an angry cat straight up.
Don’t lick dry ice.
Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it’s right side up.
Don’t pour salt in your eyes.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don’t make any more.
Don’t microwave yourself.
Don’t chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
Don’t swallow toothpaste.
Don’t chew Tylenol.
Don’t bathe in gasoline.
Don’t sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
Don’t drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 
QUOTES OF THE DAY
Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
– Charles M. Schulz
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
– Oscar Wilde
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
– Napoleon Bonaparte
Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
– Mark Twain
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
– Mark Twain
God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.
– Garrison Keillor
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
– Mark Twain
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
The Leader of the Vegetarian Society just couldn’t control himself anymore. he just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in it’s mouth. Now “ Isn’t that something,” says the Leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “I’ll have a Pina Colada, not virgin. Wanna see my ID? Totally have it!”
Answer: 13 Going on 30! These words were said by Jenna, the night after she woke up as a thirty year old woman. With her thirteen year old mind still intact, Jenna displayed her girlish excitement with the above quotation. The plot of the 2004 film, “13 Going on 30”, revolved around thirteen year old Jenna Rink, who, after having a disastrous thirteenth birthday party, wished that she could magic her way through time, to the age of thirty. The following morning, Jenna discovered that her wish had come true, and she had been transformed into a thirty year old woman. However she was shocked to discover that she was not a very nice person. She and her childhood friend, Mattie, were no longer friends, and her best friend was actually her childhood arch enemy, Lucy. Appalled at how her life had turned out, Jenna set out to change it.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “You wanna see a bad facelift? Helen Danvers, 2 o’clock. She looks like she’s re-entering the Earth’s atmosphere.”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Created I was, in 1841,
By someone with the name of an evil one,
He was a Belgian, living in Paris,
This man had to be very zealous.
Fourteen of me, this young man made,
Some above A, but not quite B,
With some higher than D, but lower than E,
And some that are C, and three halves above D,
That’s why my popularity’s so easy to see.
Golden with lacquer, I usually am,
I sometimes am used to honor Uncle Sam,
Patented I was in 1846,
I’m the one who gives some their kicks,
I’m shaped like a J – with a hook on the end,
So, can you tell what I am?
ANSWER: A Saxophone.
Created I was, in 1841,
By someone with the name of an evil one,
He was a Belgian, living in Paris,
This man had to be very zealous.
Adolphe Sax invented the saxophone in 1841. Adolphe Sax’s name has a resemblance to Adolf Hitler, an evil one indeed… Fourteen of me, this young man made, Some above A, but not quite B, With some higher than D, but lower than E, And some that are C, and three halves above D, That’s why my popularity’s so easy to see. Sax made 14 different types of saxes. Seven pitched in C and F (F is three half-steps above D, hence three halves above D), and seven pitched in Eb (That’s E Flat for you non-musicians, which is above D and lower than E) and Bb (above A and not quite B). Golden with lacquer, I usually am, I sometimes am used to honor Uncle Sam. Saxes are usually golden, and the covering is referred to a lacquer. Saxes are also used in Military bands, thus “honoring Uncle Sam” Patented I was in 1846, I’m the one who gives some their kicks, I’m shaped like a J-with a hook on the end, Most saxes are J shaped with a hook with the exception of the Soprano Sax. Many Jazz enthusiasts get their “kicks” or enjoyment from saxophone players.
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Ryan and Craig were identical twins born in Seattle in 1961. Ryan was born before Craig, but according to their birth certificates, Craig was older than Ryan. How come?
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases! 
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