WELCOME to Friday April 26, 2013.  One Liners…. 

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. 

 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they’ve lost the plot!! 

 

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over. 

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. 

 

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. 

 

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30 am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 

 

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well , she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet. 

 

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair. 

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 

 

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 

 

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh , I forgot to tell you , today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.” 

 

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. 

It was a lovely service. 

 

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!  

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY 

“NBC has canceled its reality dating show ‘Ready for Love’ after three episodes. Viewers complained the show was complicated and confusing � marking the first time a dating show has been canceled for being exactly like dating.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Happy Earth Day. Did you know there are Earth Day greeting cards? There is no better way to celebrate Earth Day than chopping down trees to make cards. -Jimmy Kimmel

“Yesterday was Earth Day, and you know what I found here on the 14th floor? � an old-fashioned coal-powered typewriter. I’m so embarrassed.” -Dave Letterman

 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

 My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, “you gave me too much money.”  I said, “Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.” She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s. Or do. Who knows, you might get lucky.

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?

What movie is this quote from???  “I’m pond scum. Well, lower actually. I’m like the fungus that feeds on pond scum.”

 

Answer: My Best Friend’s Wedding! Julianne said these words to Michael near the end of the film, after revealing to him that she had tried to sabotage his wedding, because she loved him.  The plot of the 1997 film, “My Best Friend’s Wedding”, revolved around single girl, Julianne Potter, (played by Julia Roberts), who realized that she loved her best friend, just as he was preparing to marry another woman. Determined to split them up, Julianne embarked on a mission of sabotage, desperate to stop the wedding from taking place. 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? Character 1: “Why didn’t you tell me you’re some kind of Alaskan Kennedy?”

Character 2: “We were in the middle of talking about you…for the last three years.”

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….

What two words, anagrams of each other, complete this sentence?

 

The __________ threatened to _________ the family picnic. There were over 500 of them. 

 

ANSWER: HORNETS, SHORTEN

 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

What phrase is illustrated here?

 

Injection 1: Rumour Shot

Patient: “That tickles.”

 

Injection 2: Hearsay Shot

Patient: “Didn’t feel it.”

 

Injection 3: Fact Shot

Patient: “Ouch!”

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org. http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.wcscatering.com. www.Eucman.freedom10.com.