WELCOME to Friday May 3, 2013. 10 Rules for dating my daughter….
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waistline.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing some kind of barrier method” can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the St. Louis Arch. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, a backhoe, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. Or a fighter jet over the desert in Kuwait. When my Agent Orange or other things I have been exposed to start acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Friday people, and whatever you do today, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman! 
QUOTES OF THE DAY
“A helping word to one in trouble is like a switch in a railroad track…an inch between wreck and smooth, rolling prosperity.” -Henry Ward Beecher
“All animals, except man, know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.” -Samuel Butler
“All mankind is divided into three classes: those who are immovable, those who are movable; and those who move.” -Benjamin Franklin
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A wife called her husband as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and the husband could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, “I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can’t find it!” The husband replied, “Aren’t you talking on it!?” There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in – followed by, “You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!”
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer?
What movie is this quote from??? “Thrill me, detective.”
Answer: Night of the Creeps! “Night of the Creeps” is a typically ‘fun’ ’80s horror flick about aliens that crash-land on our planet sometime in the ’50s. They unleash slugs that turn humans into zombies upon slithering into their mouths. Fast-forward to pledge week of 1986, and we have the setting of our movie. This is the last thing the kid from “European Vacation” (Chris, played by Jason Lively) says before the detective (played by the immortal Tom Atkins) blows up the house (along with himself), killing all the slugs. Well, maybe not all of them…
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from??? “What are you gonna do with those pies, boys?”
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Imagine a 4X4 crossword grid numbered as follows:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4
–
2
–
3
–
4
Answer the clues to fill it up.
ACROSS:
1. What dogs do 2. What fishes do 3. What you do when you eat
4. What you’ll want to do when you find out the answer to this puzzle
DOWN:
1. Insects 2. Optical Organs 3. Pester 4. Comfort
ANSWER: The grid should look as follows:
————-
B | I | T | E
————-
B | I | T | E
————-
B | I | T | E
————-
B | I | T | E
————-
Here’s why:
ACROSS:
1. What dogs do (BITE)
2. What fishes do (BITE)
3. What you do when you eat (BITE)
4. What you’ll want to do when you find out the answer to this puzzle (BITE)
DOWN:
1. Insects (BBBB = B’s = Bees)
2. Optical Organs (IIII = I’s = Eyes)
3. Pester (TTTT = T’s = Tease)
4. Comfort (EEEE = E’s = Ease)
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
In a country, there are over 100 streets. Street 1 is named First Street, street 2 is named Second Street, and so on and so forth.
A traveller decides to walk through all these streets in the country. He could find all the streets except Street 62. No matter how hard he tried, he could not find it.
He later found that the locals had given the street another name.
What is the name?
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers& Teases! 
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