2. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

3. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help  smiling when

you see one tumble down the stairs.

4. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

5. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

6. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train

people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

7. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

8. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

9. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

10. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

13. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

14. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

15. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!