by eucman

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Monday, June 16, 2014.     

  
Laughs For A Monday Morning
 
1. I dialed a number and got the following recording, ‘I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.’
 
2. My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
 
3. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
 
4. Roger went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. 
The employer read all his applications and said to Roger, ‘We have an opening for people like you.’
‘Oh, great,’ Roger replied, ‘What is it?’ ‘It’s called the door,’ came the answer.
 
5. A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh standing at the bar. The man says, ‘I love your paintings, can I buy you a drink?’
Vincent replies, ‘No thanks I’ve got one ear.’
6. Funny History Exam Answer: During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and that was called the Pilgrim’s Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the setters. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
7. Monday Blues – Sicknote Frequency. Analysis of workplace sickness reveals that Mondays in January are the most popular days for workers pulling a ‘sickie’.  Twelve of the twenty most popular days for sickness absence occurred in January. Another study of sickness found that 34% of all sick leave is taken on a Monday.  What happens is that attendance on the remaining working days becoming higher as the week progresses. Thus the lowest sick leave rate was recorded on Fridays with just 2.9% of the total.
8. Quick Monday Morning Diagnosis: Nurse: ‘Doctor, Doctor the man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step.  What should I do?’
Doctor: ‘Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!’
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!  Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
 
QUOTES OF THE DAY   
 “I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.”
― Jarod Kintz, I Want
“When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves.”
― Claire Chilton
“If your diet soda has zero calories, zero sugar and zero fat, what the heck are you drinking?”
― Regina Griffin
“Well, then, Otter, of course I don’t like Bundt cake. It has eggs in it. Baby chicken eggs. You don’t see chickens standing outside of maternity wards waiting to get our babies to make their Bundt cake, do you?”
― T.J. Klune, Who We Are
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

The hospital’s consulting dietitian was giving a lecture to several community nurses from the Southampton area of Hampshire.

‘The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. Best Monday Jokes

However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’ A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.’ 

 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ How much movie trivia can you answer? 

What movie is this quote from???  ‘I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.’
  
Answer: Terminator 2! The Terminator, to a road house patron.  
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this 
quote from???   ‘I am exactly three inches high, and it’s a very good height indeed!’
 
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
In Handland the currency is fingers. What does the cost of the following sale item represent?
1 T-shirt
Normal price: 19 fingers
Sale price: 14 fingers
Answer: 5 finger discount. If you steal something it is often called a 5 finger discount.
 
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
While riding in the car I saw a license plate that read like this:
IXMNIZ
What occupation did the man in the car have?
 
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Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.   https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ LINKS2 CHECK OUT: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org., http://www.wcscatering.com. Emoji
  

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