Joan Rivers Jokes……..

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I was born in 1962 … and the room next to me was 1963.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.

When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, “Will she live?” He said, “Only if you take your foot off her throat.”

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Princess Diana and the Queen are driving down the lane when their car is forced off the road by masked thieves. “Out of the car and hand over your jewels.” After the thieves rob them and steal their car, Diana begins to put her earrings, necklace, and rings back on. “Wherever did you hide those,” demanded the Queen. “Where do you think?” asked Diana. “Pity Margaret wasn’t here,” said the Queen. “We could have saved the Bentley.”

I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”

California is druggy, druggy, druggy. If it is white and it is on the table, they are gonna sniff it. I have a friend who O.D.ed in the beauty shop on dandruff.

The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, “He’s flashing! He’s flashing!” In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people and whatever you do,