by eucman

Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

lazy

WELCOME to Monday, March 2, 2015.    

Here’s the Story……. 
Accident Report.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collar-bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground – and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above – I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“Wal-Mart announced that it will increase its employees’ hourly wages by 40 percent. Workers are pretty excited because they’ll finally make enough money to shop at Target.” -Jimmy Fallon

“A new study suggests dishwashers may increase a child’s risk of developing allergies. So the message is clear: Stop washing your kids in the dishwasher!” -Conan O’Brien

“Alaska today officially legalized marijuana for recreational use. But there are some special rules. You’re not allowed to smoke marijuana in public, and you have to follow special disposal rules. You can’t just throw a joint in the trash. The last thing you want is a grizzly with the munchies.” -Jimmy Kimmel 

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck’s path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman’s side to see if she was all right. “I’m fine,” she assured me, “but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn’t honked…” 

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “What am I gonna say? ‘I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork. How’ve you been?'”  

Answer: Grosse Pointe Blank! Martin Blank says this to his shrink while trying to decide whether or not to attend his high school reunion. 

Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I am a vulgar man! But I assure you, my music is not.” 

Friday’s Quizzler is……….

Below are incomplete words. Place three letters in each bracket so that you can complete the word on the left and begin the word on the right. Good luck.

i (_ _ _) lar

lat (_ _ _) ror

phan (_ _ _) atoe

indica (_ _ _) toise

sc (_ _ _) na

thr (_ _ _) egal

ANSWER: idol – dollar  latter – terror  phantom – tomatoe  indicator – tortoise  scare – arena  thrill – illegal 

Monday’s  Quizzler is……….

This is a phrase some people can say every day.
The thing you see with + The 12th letter of the alphabet + A white pigeon – The 4th letter of the alphabet + A female sheep + A word meaning $1,000 + A thing used to clean floors – The 16th letter of the alphabet.
What is this phrase?
 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE WEEK AWARD GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS! 
EmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ 
 

 

Leave a comment