by eucman

Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

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WELCOME to Thursday, March 12, 2015.   

One-liner jokes for Thursday….
 
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
I went in to a pet shop.  I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’
I went to the local video shop and I said, ‘Can I take out The Elephant Man?’ He said, ‘He’s not your type.’ I said, ‘Can I borrow Batman Forever?’ He said, ‘No, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.’
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, ‘Analogue.’ I said, ‘No, just a watch.’
I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle.’ The bloke said, ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he then?’
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  ‘Best Before End’
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, ‘Eurostar?’ I said, ‘Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Elvis Presley.’
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t make Tuesdays or Thursdays.’
I went to the doctor and I said to him, ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.’
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.Monkey with banana and tin opener
I was reading this book today, ‘The History Of Glue.’ I couldn’t put it down.
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said, ‘No, this is for the custard.’
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre.  She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
 
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever
you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“The new Apple Watch is out. Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.” -Dave Letterman

“I am proud of myself. Yesterday I got in my car and looked at the clock. I’ll admit it took 12 minutes to do it while I was driving but I did manage to adjust the time in my car one hour ahead. ” -Jimmy Kimmel

“A study has found that the most popular type of business in New Jersey is golf equipment stores. Though most customers come in and say, ‘I need a blunt object and a bag about as big as a guy.'” -Seth Meyers  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”

To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!”  

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “You can’t blame me. They’ve been making statues for some two thousand years, and I’ve only been collecting for five.” 

Answer: Citizen Kane!Said by Charles Foster Kane on all of the statues he hadn’t bought yet. He says this during the party scene.  

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I’m a god. I’m not *the* God… I don’t think.”

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

The following word pairs are anagrams which can be combined to form the name of an animal or insect.Try to figure it out.
 
1.Log, Rail
 
2.Lone, Tape
 
3.Cot, Soup
 
4.Moral, Dial 
 
ANSWER: 1.Gorilla.  2.Antelope.  3.Octopus.  4.Armadillo. 

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

One snowy night, Sherlock Holmes was in his house sitting by a fire. All of a sudden a snowball came crashing through his window, breaking it.
Holmes got up and looked out the window just in time to see three neighborhood kids who were brothers run around a corner. Their names were John Crimson, Mark Crimson and Paul Crimson.
The next day Holmes got a note on his door that read “? Crimson. He broke your window.”
Which of the three Crimson brothers should Sherlock Holmes question about the incident?
 
  
 
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE WEEK AWARD FOR TODAY GOES TO MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! GREAT JOB BANKS!EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji
 
Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/ EmojiEmojiEmojiEmoji

 

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