WELCOME to Thursday, June 18, 2015.     

1. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

2. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

3. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

4. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is crap, and your crap is stuff?

5. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

6. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

7. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

8. It’s never just a game when you’re winning.

9. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

10. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

11. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

12. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

13. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

15. “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

16. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

17. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

18. When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

19. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

20. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman! 

 

 

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it. ~Salvador Dali

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments. ~Jim Morrison

I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they are the 

first to be rescued off of sinking ships. ~Gilda Radner

Women are like cell phones. They like to be held and talked to, but push the wrong button, and you’ll be disconnected.

People like you are the reason people like me take pills! ~Neva Faith Linn

I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and 

one of my players said, ‘Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.’ ~Jim Leyland

You’ve reached middle age when all you exercise is caution. 

Cell phones are the only subject on which men boast about who’s got the smallest. ~Neil Kinnock

 

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf clubs he had just bought. “Doctor’s orders,” the man told his friend. “My wife and I have been gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought myself this set of golf clubs.” “What about your wife?” the friend asked. “What did you buy her?”  “A new lawn mower,” the golfer said.

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? “I’m a safety girl!” 

Answer: Pretty Woman! This is in the hotel room. While they are waiting for room service.   

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “You got a lotta potential Kitt DeLuca!”

   

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

 What phrase is shown in the figure below?

S-n-o-w  

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

There was a death on Treebark Ln. The victim was identified as Mark Oswalt, who recently was married. The police went to the crime scene and they reported the death as a suicide. 

Later that day, after the police left, a private detective, hired by the victim’s friend who thought it was a murder, searched the crime scene and found a note the police missed.

It read,

“4,3: 8,1:_: 9,1: 2,1: 7,4:_: 6,1:9,3:_: 9,1: 4,3: 3,3: 3,2: !”

The detective took out his cell phone and started dialing the police to tell them about his findings. Once the detective opened the phone to dial, he immediately screamed out, “I SOLVED IT!”

Who was the murderer and how did the detective find out?

 

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org.