WELCOME to Thursday, July 9, 2015.   

You know you’re getting old when…

A 30-year mortgage sounds like a pretty clever scam.

You no longer consider staying under the speed limit a challenge.

Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Pick one, I can’t do both!”

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

“Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guys with the Live Doppler 10,000.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

You know you’re a grown-up because you groan every time you get up.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You regret all those mistakes you made resisting temptation.

You turn out the light for economic reasons.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off, and that bundle you’ve spent on life insurance is starting to look smart, too.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You’re proud of your lawn mower.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

“Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take a laxative.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

You’re asleep, but others worry you’re dead.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don’t feel good.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You learn where your prostate is.

You know what the word “equity” means.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and whatever

you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

QUOTES OF THE DAY   

“He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher… or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.” -Douglas Adams 

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.” -William Dement

“I am accustomed to sleep and in my dreams to imagine the same things that lunatics imagine when awake.” -Rene Descartes  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  

English professors love to catch the errors students make in their term papers, and they love nothing better than to catch mixed metaphors. The “friends and survivors” of Calvin College English department collected this list of mixed metaphors and posted them on their web site: 

“He swept the rug under the carpet.”

“She’s burning the midnight oil at both ends.”

“It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire.”

“It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard.”

“She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper.”

“He’s up a tree without a paddle.”

“Beware my friend…you are skating on hot water.”

“Keep your ear to the grindstone.”

“Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb.”

“Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter.”

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? ‘I think you’re underestimating the value of this deskset. I mean, who would want a football, or a car, when they could have a deskset as wonderful as this one? If I were going to buy a deskset twice, I would probably buy this one… both times!’  

Answer: Toy Soldiers! Billy (Sean Astin) says this to Derek, aka Yogurt, when they sneak into the headmaster’s office in an attempt to switch the receiving chip in the detonator with that of the remote control airplane. 

Thursday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? ‘Bees! Bees everywhere! Oh my God, they’re here! They’re ripping my flesh off!… Run! Save yourselves! Your firearms are useless against them!’

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….

Georges, Patrick, Charlis, Samuel and Bruno are five Frenchmen. Georges knows English and Chinese. Patrick knows Chinese and Japanese. Charlis knows Japanese and German. Samuel knows German and English. Bruno knows them all: English, Chinese, Japanese and German.

In how many ways can they sit in a row, such that any two neighboring persons have no problems in communication? 

ANSWER: 5*4*3*2*1=120. They are Frenchmen, and can all speak French. Therefore, any order is OK. 

Thursday’s  Quizzler is……….

Put this on, 

And warm you’ll be.

Take one off,

And an emotion, you’ll see.

Look for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.  https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/  

LINKS: www.slampi.org., www.hopeBUILD.org.