WELCOME to THURSDAY December 7. 2023
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position
right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. - Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap,
cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. - Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously. - Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. - Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below
spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw. - Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.
Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. - Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door
onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band. - Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. - Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. - Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and
pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. - Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. - Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT THURSDAY, people, stay safe,
and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman! 😁
q u o t e s o f t h e d a y
“Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste,
just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder
and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.”
—Anonymous
“I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq
because the B-52s ruined that for me.”
—Meme attributed to Shaquille O’Neal
“My husband and I fell in love at first sight.
Maybe I should have taken a second look.”
—Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They
are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes.
This is not a coincidence.”
—Erma Bombeck
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
—Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace
Brian: “Look, you’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me.
You don’t need to follow anybody. You’ve got to think for yourselves.
You’re all individuals.”
Crowd: “Yes, we’re all individuals!”
Individual: “I’m not!”
—Brian (Graham Chapman) and cast, Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: “What does the cow say?”
Child: “Moo!”
Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”
Child: “Meow.”
Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother
and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.” 😳😳
Wednesday’s’ Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “
“You have spirit for one so small.”
Answer: The Jungle Book!
This is the story of Mowgli, a little boy who is raised by wolves in the jungle.
This line is said by Shere Kahn, the vicious tiger who is feared by the other jungle animals. Mowgli, however, pretends not to be frightened (even though it’s obvious that he is). Shere Kahn is used to the other animals being afraid of him and seems surprised when Mowgli doesn’t run away.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“Jack, this is where we first met.”
Wednesday’s Quizzler is….
The answers to the following definitions all start with the prefix “para”. It might take a bit of lateral thinking to figure them out! For example, the definition: “Two places where a building is being constructed” would have the answer “Parasites”.
- Two tender green plant growths
- Two 10-cent pieces
- Two male bovines
- Two shark appendages
- Two untruths
- Two furry family members
BONUS: - Two dorky guys from “New Joisey”
ANSWER: 1. Parachutes
- Paradigms
- Parables
- Paraffins
- Paralyze
- Parapets
- Paranoids
Thursday’s Quizzler is….
When you behead a word, you remove the first letter and still have a valid word.
You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Sour, acidic
Answer: The words are Start and Tart.
- A trip through the air -> Illumination; not heavy
- Travelling through the air -> Not telling the truth
- True statement -> Part of a play; something done
- Straightforward; blunt -> Position in a hierarchy
- Cord for igniting an explosive -> To employ; exploit
- An example of a number -> Belonging to us
- To put in as much as possible -> Unwell; sick
- High body temperature -> At any time; at all times
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! 😎 Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com., https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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https://elisabethluxe.com., http://www.themuscleministry.com.
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