WELCOME to MONDAY APRIL 13th, 2026

Out of Church Bulletins….
Thank goodness for dear old church ladies with word processors. These entries actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church services. For some reason, typos are funnier coming from Church.

Typos are somehow funnier in Church.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist.
Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They maybe seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in their creation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off; let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,”
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?”
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the
deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church
will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a GREAT MONDAY ‘people, stay safe,
and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman! 😁

 
 
Persiflage: Intelligent Insults
As brutality slowly but surely takes over the US TV and motion picture industries, it is likely to stamp out any memory of the days of civility when a barbed tongue was as effective as an artesian gusher of profanity. This column is a remembrance to those days when men and women sharpened their wits rather than their swords as a defense against friend and enemy. This sort of light-hearted, chit-chatty mockery is known as persiflage.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
—Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
—John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
—Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.”
—Samuel Johnson
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
—Walter Kerr
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
—Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
—Robert Redford
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
—Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
—Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
—Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
—Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
—Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
—Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.”
—Andrew Lang

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!  
Which 1998 Coen Brothers cult comedy follows “The Dude” as he becomes embroiled in
a kidnapping plot after a case of mistaken identity?

Answer:  The correct answer was The Big Lebowski! 1998’s “The Big Lebowski” was written and directed by the Coen Brothers and stars Jeff Bridges as Jeffrey Lebowski, better known as The Dude, His Dudeness, Duder, or El Duderino (“if you’re not into the whole brevity thing”). He’s a laid-back Los Angeles slacker whose life revolves around bowling, White Russians, and his rug that really ties the room together. When he is mistaken for a wealthy man with the same name, The Dude is dragged into a strange scenario involving a missing trophy wife, dubious ransom money, and an increasingly bizarre cast of characters. John Goodman shines as Walter Sobchak, who can definitely get you a toe.
 
Mondays Movie Trivia of the day!  
What supernatural thriller released in 1999 is about a young boy who claims
he can see dead people and the psychologist trying to help him?

Friday’s Quizzler is….
There was a man climbing a ladder to somebody’s house, to the nearest window. He broke into the house and took what was most precious to the family. He climbed down, and the police were there waiting for him. He returned what he took to the police, and the police let him walk away. Why?
 
ANSWER:  The man was a fire fighter.

Monday’s Quizzler is….😎😎
What do these three objects have in common?
Corn
Weasel
Balloon

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAY’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! 😎 Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com:
https://elisabethluxe.com., http://www.themuscleministry.com.

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