Welcome, ‏to Thursday August 26th, The Diary of a Snow Shoveler…….

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

 December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way.

 December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

 December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

 December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

 December 20
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

 December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

 December 23
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

 December 24
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I’ll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don’t shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Hey I’m just saying! Have a interesting Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace I am outta here!  

 
Q u o t e s  o f  t h e  d a y 

 Jay Leno Quotes: 

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin. 

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution. 

McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it? 

A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What’s the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he’s got your gun too! 

According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take “a harder stance” on the death penalty. What’s a harder stance on the death penalty? We’re already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair. 

A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry’s war career. Players pretend they’re Kerry, on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn’t there already some game based on John Kerry’s life? Oh, yeah, “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”  

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Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! ‘How much movie trivia can you answer? What movie is this quote from???? ‘If you try to stop us or vamp’ out in any way, then I’ll stake you without thinking twice about it.’

Answer: Lost Boys!  Edgar Frog (Corey Feldman) said this to Michael after Michael said he would help them kill the vampires. This movie teams up Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Kiefer Sutherland and Corey Feldman in a vampire movie, with a twist. These boys tend to just have fun, doing nothing but partying and never aging. 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!  What movie is this quote from????  ‘Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.’

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Wednesday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2005, try and identify which song or which artist.”  “Take my photo off the wall if it just won’t sing for you.”

ANSWER: Jet! The song is called “Look What You’ve Done”, by the Australian band, Jet. This song is off their album, “Get Born” (2003). 

 Thursday’s Crazy Song Definitions, This quiz features popular songs from 2005 try and identify which song or which artist.” “This is when I start to bite my nails” 

TODAY’S CRAZY SONG DEFINITIONS DIVIA AWARD GOES TO MS. CARRIE PALOMBO! GREAT JOB CARRIE!

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Wednesday’s Quizzler is..  

Replace each word or words in parentheses with a one-word synonym to decipher a common holiday. (The first holiday is only one word long. The second and third are two words long.)

1. (Right of north ) (she)

2. (Hotel) D (ink stick) (boogie) (24 hours)

3. (Work) (24 hours)

 ANSWER: 1. Easter (east + her), 2. Independence Day (inn + d + pen + dance + day), 3. Labor Day  

Thursday’s Quizzler is…   

Replace each word or words in parentheses with a one-word synonym to decipher a common phrase.

1. (Performances) (converse) (noisier) than (terms).

2. (More superior) (delayed) than (not at all).

3. (Sublime) (mental abilities) (contemplate) (similarly).  

TODAY’S QUIZZMASTERS AWARD GOES TO SWEETJAZZ5, MS CARRIE PALOMBO, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS, MS. RENNA WILD, AND MS. KIM HILLYARD ! GREAT JOB LADIES!         

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