WELCOME to Monday, June 6, 2016.
- Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling a garage is not an option. I will win.
- Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You’re a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
- Because I’m a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like “cumin” or “tofu.” For all I know, these are the same thing.
- Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.’ We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
- Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
- Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only).
- Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t … and if you are feeling amorous afterwards … then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
- Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine.. It does not make your rear look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
- Because I’m a man, and this is after all, the year 2016, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I’ll do the rest; like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people, and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“AAA reports that more than 38 million Americans will travel at least 50 miles from their home Memorial Day weekend. The number of dads who actually will turn this car around: still zero.” -Jimmy Fallon
“The FDA is warning New Yorkers about Chinese food after a major Brooklyn distributor was found with rats and birds nesting in boxes of ingredients. The distributor says it’s all a misunderstanding – those ARE the ingredients.” -Seth Meyers
“A new study has found that being good-looking can hurt a man’s career because the people in charge of hiring see attractive men as a threat. So if you’re a man who was recently hired for a new job, congratulations. You’re hideous.” -James Corden
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Butt clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, Billy Bob?”
“Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob. “But me ‘n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? Troy’s father: “Is your mommy here?” Brandon: “No sir. Actually she’s out at the market buying Pampers for all us kids.”
Answer: The Goonies! Josh Brolin’s character Brandon Walsh said this last line in response to a visit from Troy’s father. This 1985 film also starred Corey Feldman, Sean Astin, and Kerri Green.
Monday Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “We’re gonna turn this town upside down!”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Explosive as the daylight and with the dust I tease,
I whisper through the willows, wreak havoc with the leaves.
You feel me on your face, and hear me in the night,
And with my lonely mournful cries I give you such a fright .
I dance across the landscape, carefree and full of gust,
You can chase me all around, try and catch me if you must .
And in the cold of winter I give you such a chill,
But with the spring I race young foals swiftly up the hills.
The clues now spoken you have my friend, have you guessed me yet ?
ANSWER: I am the wind.
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
Remove a letter from each of the words below and rearrange the remaining letters to form new words. The 10 words will all fall into a certain category. For example, given the words DEAR, ANGRY, and RENEGE, you could drop the “A” in DEAR to get RED, drop the “N” in ANGRY to get GRAY, and drop an “E” in RENEGE to get GREEN. These would all fall into the category of “Colors”.
If you’re stuck, the hint will name the category. The tough part is getting all 10 words.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/