WELCOME to Monday, June 19, 2017.
Steven Wright Jokes…
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I thought I’d put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn’t find tractors small enough to fit it.
I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, “cut it out!”
I’m so hyper (said with a very dull voice).
Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me! I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen.
The judge asked, “what do you plead?” I said, “Insanity. Your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?”
I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.”
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “wish you were here.”
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, “Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?” I said, “yes.”
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“There is a new version of the Bible that has updated language that’s coming out.
For example, it refers to Jesus’ disciples as ‘wingmen.'” -Conan O’Brien
“A French fashion label is now offering a pair of $570 jeans that come without a butt.
There’s nothing in the butt. I have got to tell you, these jeans are a great way of telling
your friends and coworkers that your father never paid enough attention to you.” -James Corden
“A new study found that many popular oregano brands are really olive leaves and other
leaves falsely labeled as oregano. Or as high school stoners put it, ‘Wait, this still isn’t marijuana?'” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I
can send the appropriate emergency equipment.
One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.
After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly,
I asked her, “Do you know what caused the fall?”
“No,” the woman nervously replied. “What?”😐😱😎
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘I never saw you throw that gentleman off the balcony. All I care about is are you happy with your haircut?’
ANSWER: The Rock! This little hair stylist is so funny. Sean Connery is newly released from solitary in a horrible prison.
He’s got long hair and a big bushy beard. The FBI has gotten him released in order to help them. They hire this little guy
to cut Sean Connery’s hair. After he’s finished, one of the FBI guys goes over the balcony, and the hair stylist and Sean end up in an elevator together.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘Some things are true whether you believe in them or not.’
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Logic puzzles require you to think. You will have to be logical in your reasoning.
There are five people. One of them shot and killed one of the other five. Which man is the murderer?
1. Dan ran in the NY City marathon yesterday with one of the innocent men.
2. Mike considered being a farmer before he moved to the city.
3. Jeff is a topnotch computer consultant and wants to install Ben’s new computer next week.
4. The murderer had his leg amputated last month.
5. Ben met Jack for the first time six months ago.
6. Jack has been in seclusion since the crime.
7. Dan used to drink heavily.
8. Ben and Jeff built their last computers together.
9. The murderer is Jack’s brother. They grew up together in Seattle.
ANSWER: 1. Jack is not the murderer, because he is the brother of the murderer. 2. Dan can’t be the murderer since he ran a marathon, and the murderer recently had his leg amputated, and wouldn’t be running a marathon of any magnitude that quickly. 3. Ben is not the murderer if he just met Jack, since Jack and the murderer grew up together. 4. This leaves Jeff and Mike. Since Jeff is still alive (he wants to install a new computer next week, present tense) he must be the murderer. Mike also didn’t grow up with Jack. It has been determined that Jack, Dan and Jeff are all alive. Ben must also be alive since Jeff plans to install Ben’s computer next week. This means that Jeff killed Mike.
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
There was a man who went to the mall and he bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. Another man who already bought 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks came back to return his 3 pairs of red socks and 3 pairs of white socks. They are both blind. As they were walking they bumped into each other. All the socks scattered around the floor, but each pair remained held together by a rubber band. Nobody helped them pick it up except each other, but in 3 minutes they both put them back altogether. Each man ended up with the same colors of socks he started with: six red and six white. How is that possible if they are blind?
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. KIM HILLYARD 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙏😎
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/