Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!


WELCOME to Friday, May 12, 2017.  

Steven Wright….
Whenever everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Always borrow money from pessimists. They don’t expect it back.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I was once arrested for resisting arrest.
My father was a small claims court jester.
What’s the youngest you can die of old age?
I have a fax machine with “fax waiting”.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I was skydiving horizontally.
I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought some dehydrated water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while.  I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, “Right here, officer.”
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said ‘help wanted’. There was another sign below it that said ‘self service’. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it.”
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Mothers Day weekend people, and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. – Groucho Marx
If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. – Margaret Thatcher
In China, when you’re one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. – Bill Gates
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. – Rabindranath Tagore
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. – Mark Twain
Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you’re finished. – Leslie Nielsen
Matrimony isn’t a word, it’s a sentence. – Eddie Cantor
Gray hair is God’s graffiti. – Bill Cosby
We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. – Winston Churchill
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F…. Poland’s worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search
and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night. 😁😎

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? 

‘Why is it when boys play, they play at killing each other?’
ANSWER: The Talented Mr. Ripley! This quote was said by Gwyneth Paltrow in her role as Marge Sherwood in
the thriller about a man stealing another man’s identity called ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’.
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??? 
‘Baptism! You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers!’
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….  
You can do it in vessels for getting you clean.
You can do it to fabric to stop being seen.
You are doing it when you’ve come up short.
You’ve done it too when you’ve equalled in sport.
This may sound like there should be images but then,
You can do all those things without pencil or pen.
What is the word?
ANSWER: DRAW!  You can Draw a bath. You can Draw curtains. You can Draw a blank. You draw a match in sport if the scores are equal.

You draw something to produce an image, but all the above uses of the word Draw don’t require writing implements.

Friday’s Quizzler is……….  
What phrase is this?
Left Side…1st Floor…Right Side
Left Side…2nd Floor…Right Side
Left Side…3rd Floor…Right Side
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at

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