WELCOME to Thursday, June 15, 2017.
Never compliment a man’s watch when standing at the urinal.
Never eat at a place called Mom’s.
Never play cards with a man named Doc.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.
Never argue with a woman when she’s tired.
Never argue with a woman when she’s rested.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!
Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.
Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.
Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.
Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
Never say “Oops” in an operating room.
Never try to out-stubborn a cat.
Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
Never eat prunes when you’re hungry.
Never say, “Sorry, we don’t have what you’re looking for.” Always say, “I just sold the last one the other day.”
Never use one word when twelve will suffice.
Never hold a rap contest at a square dance.
Never buy a recording of a heavy metal barbershop quartet.
Never listen to Chubby Checker’s “Let’s do the Twist”, when you’re stuck in quicksand.
Never be the first to do anything.
Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off of alcohol. It’s perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun.” -Conan O’Brien
“A British tech company has debuted new technology that lets clothing store mannequins talk about the outfit they are displaying. Said the inventor, ‘The idea came to me in a nightmare.'” -Seth Meyers
“A judge in New Jersey ruled that women can keep their husbands and boyfriends out of the delivery room while they are in labor. When asked if they’d mind leaving the room, the husbands and boyfriends were already gone.” -Jimmy Fallon
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A bishop advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. Bishop: “How can you do the job? You can’t pull the rope!” Hunchback: “I have a cunning plan – but we have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is.” So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. Bishop: “Okay, show me your plan.”
The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it, full force, with his face. Sure enough, the bell rings. So, despite his misgivings, the bishop hired the hunchback to ring the bell.
Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, the hunchback decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his head, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he’s a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out a window to the street below. A crowd gathers around the hunchback’s mangled body lying in the street; the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.
A policeman arrives and asks the bishop, “Who is this guy?” The bishop replies: “I don’t know his name, but his face rings a bell.”
The next day…
A man (who has arms) arrives, claiming to be the hunchback’s brother. “Hi, I’ve come to take over my brother’s job.” The bishop offers his condolences for the loss of his brother, and then escorts him to the tower.
“Your brother used to ring the bell with his face,” said the Bishop. “Will you do that, too? Or will you use your arms?” The hunchback’s brother replies, “If my brother can ring it with his face, so can I!” So he runs full speed at the bell, glances off it with his face, and falls out the window and to his death in the street below.
The bishop rushes down to see what he can do for the poor man. A crowd gathers. A policeman once again arrives and asks the bishop, “Do you know who this man is?”
The bishop replies, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”😐😎
Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘It’s not brave if you’re not scared.’
ANSWER: Bounce! Ben Affleck delivers this line. And it’s true isn’t it? If you haven’t seen this movie, you need to.
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘If hate were people I’d be China!’
Wednesday’s Quizzler is……….
It was Louis Ixolite’s bedtime and as usual he wanted a bedtime story.
He was a bright young man and had managed to communicate in Rebuses before he could speak.
Daddy asked Louis which story he would like to hear and Louis scribbled down the following Rebus in crayon.
Soybeans “blah blah blah”
Jack “blah blah blah”
Kidneybeans “blah blah blah”
What story did Louis want to hear?
ANSWER: Jack and the Beanstalk. Get it? Jack and the beans talk.
Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
Find a rhyme for each word below so you end up with a familiar three-word phrase in the form “__, __, and __”.
Clue = “Cook, Wine, Drinker”
Answer = “Hook, Line, and Sinker”
1. Shop, Swap, Dole
2. Mop, Slip, Thump
3. Mud, Wet, Smears
4. Sock, Rock, Carol
5. Claim, Debt, Scratch
6. Steady, Filling, Label
7. Warning, Soon, Flight
TODAY’S QUIZZMASTER OF THE DAY AWARD GOES TO OUR RESIDENT GENIUS, MS. ANDREA L. BANKS! 😁😁😁😁🙌🙌🙏😔
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/