WELCOME to Monday, July 3, 2017.
Dogs vs. Cats…
8:00 AM – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 AM – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 AM – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 AM – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Day 983 of my captivity!
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. The sick bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies’. I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He obviously has issues.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful Monday people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“A woman in South Carolina just gave birth to a 14.4-pound baby boy. The doctor said, ‘Congratulations! It’s a man!'” -Jimmy Fallon
“I think all these storms are God’s way of sending us a message. I think that message is that when warm humid air masses surge
northward from the Gulf of Mexico and combine with a strong jet stream, it can result in severe weather conditions.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“According to new research, a press-on patch for the flu vaccine works just as well as the flu shot.
You just remove the adhesive backing and place it firmly over your co-worker’s mouth.” -Seth Meyers
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and after a big fight they were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Important; wake me at 5:00 AM.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 8:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 😐😎
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
“That’s my mother.”
ANSWER: Riding In Cars With Boys! Starring Drew Barrymore (Beverly), Steve Zahn (Ray),
and Brittany Murphy (Faye). Adam says this to a lady asking him whether or not Beverly is his girlfriend.
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
“As you wish.”
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?
1) punched when starting work & discussion about scaling a mountain
2) a container of fibs & a shortage of baked goods
3) hasty vacation & prank gibe
4) a mongoose & artificial precipitation
ANSWER: 1) time clock & climb talk 2) pack of lies & lack of pies 3) quick trip & trick quip 4) snake foe & fake snow
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
If you multiply together the number of fingers on one person’s right hand to another person’s to another person’s till you get the product of the fingers on the right hands of everyone in the world, what is the most likely product?
For instance, one person has 5 fingers, and his friend has 5 fingers. The product is 25. Another person with 5 fingers would make the product 125. This goes on till everyone’s finger number is multiplied.
What’s the answer?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/