Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

WELCOME to Friday, June 30, 2017.                           
Bumper Stickers #101
For Lease: Navidad
Slow cannibals get the cold shoulder.
Those who can, teach. Those who can’t, pass laws about teaching.
I’m old. There’s a nap for that.
SILENT and LISTEN have the same letters. Is that a coincidence?
Earth without art is just “Eh”.
I brake for Manti Te’o’s girlfriends.
If your child is an honor student could he or she teach you how to use turn signals?
Dyslexics poets write inverse.
How’s my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-S#%7.
Custer got Siouxed.
My car is a status symbol. The symbol of me being poor!
I may be fat, but you’re ugly – and I can diet.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?
JESUS SAVES, he passes to Noah who shoots and SCORES!
Where am I going? And why am I in a handbasket?
JESUS SAVES at Banco de Mexico
My next car is a Bentley*. [* conditions apply]
Insanity: a small price to pay for sheer brilliance!
Heavily medicated for your safety.
Jack is Lord (Honolulu PD)
God loves you, he just has an unusual way of showing it.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a wonderful weekend people and
whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. – Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. – Victor Borge
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. – Mayor (of Washington DC) Marion Barry
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. – Alex Levine
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….  
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a 20 dollar bill fell out onto the path.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are 20 dollar bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no,” said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, I would make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time a guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me 20, or off it comes.'”
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.” 😱😎
Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???  
‘I like history too and maybe when this is all over we can visit the souvenir shop together, but right now…I just wanna find some rockets!’
ANSWER: The Rock! 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
 “That’s my mother.”
Thursday’s Quizzler is………. 
Hidden below you will find five uncommon titles to five classic novels. Can you decipher them?
1. Vanished with the Tempest
2. Enmity of the Globes
3. Dinky Maidens
4. A Chronicle of a Couple of Municipalities
5. Contention and Conciliation
ANSWER: 1. Gone with the Wind  2. War of the Worlds  3. Little Women  4. Tale of Two Cities  5. War and Peace
Friday’s Quizzler is……….   
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?
1) punched when starting work & discussion about scaling a mountain
2) a container of fibs & a shortage of baked goods
3) hasty vacation & prank gibe
4) a mongoose & artificial precipitation
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at

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