WELCOME to Monday, December 18, 2017.
How About Some Really Bad Punography………
I bought shoes from a second hand shop. I think they must’ve belonged to some junkie
though because I’ve been tripping the whole day.
Three guys walk into a bar. Why? Because they’re blind.
I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness. It came out of the green.
Q: Why did the lights go out? A: They liked each other a lot.
Who said grapes are soft? They never cry when you step on them, they just let out a bit of wine.
What did I do when I landed in Iraq by mistake? Iran.
I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing windows.😎
Stairs cannot be trusted. They’re always UP to something.
I nearly drowned yesterday. It was a breathtaking experience.
This may come across as cheesy – but I think you’re grate.
I have butterflies in my stomach. Paul (11), a.k.a. The Boy Who’d Eat Just About Anything
What does a cloud with an itchy rash do? Finds the nearest skyscraper.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar. Things get tense.
What would you call a female magician in the desert? A sandwich.”
What’s the difference between glue, a tuna and a piano?” “No idea.”
“You could tuna piano, but you couldn’t piano a tuna.”
“Oh. And what’s with the glue?” “I knew you’d get stuck there.”
Why did the banana have to go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling too well.
Why did Billy throw his pocket watch out of the window? Because he heard his parents saying that time flies.
Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime, no problem!
I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
The most exciting beverage for a soccer player? The penaltea!
I once worked in a bank, but then I lost interest.
Will sell broken marionettes. No strings attached.
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team? She always ran away from the ball.
What do you get when you crossbreed fish with elephants? Swimming trunks.
A boy ate some coins for fun and his parents took him to the hospital. One hour later the parents asked the nurse how it was going. Apparently, “no change yet.”
A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom. Getting ready, he went to a tux rental shop. There was a huge line but he eventually got his tuxedo.
He then went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but he got the orchid in the end.
Then he went to the limo rental place, and there was a big line there too! But he eventually managed to rent one.
They got to the prom and danced for a little bit, and then his girlfriend asked for some punch. He went to get it – but there was no punch line.
Oh you are gluten free? So you go against the grain? Pasta la vista baby.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“Finally, I saw that Starbucks unveiled its holiday cups, which had illustrations
that customers can color in themselves. It’s perfect for people who are too busy to
make their own coffee at home, yet still have enough time to color in a coffee cup.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Amazon has unveiled a new way to view its products in 3-D. Amazon is calling
its new invention a ‘store.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You’d only
use it twice a year, but that’s more than I use the ‘Potato’ button on my microwave.” -Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed
him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. “Honey,”
my Dad finally said one day, “why do you keep bringing that up? I thought
your policy was ‘forgive and forget.'”
“It is,” she said. “I just don’t want you to forget that I’ve forgiven and forgotten.”😐(Every woman)
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘I’m scared to close my eyes. I’m scared to open them.’
ANSWER: The Blair Witch Project! This movie was praised for its low-budget visual style, but I’ve got news for you. ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ did basically the same
thing, with a much scarier story, years prior.
Mondays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn. People die. But real love lives forever.’
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
When you behead a word, you remove the first letter and still have a valid word. You will be given clues for the two words, longer word first.
Example: Begin -> Sour, acidic
Answer: The words are Start and Tart.
1. Long depression between heights -> Narrow passage between walls
2. Selling -> Ceasing; conclusion
3. Spew out -> Leave out
4. Justify; show to be blameless -> Point out
5. Moral weakness -> Frozen water
6. Personal guarantee -> Expression of pain
7. Making a promise -> Due for payment
8. Boast; self-praise -> Female relative
1. Elapse -> Lapse
2. Image -> Mage
3. Plucky-> Lucky
4. Rallies -> Allies
5. Raided -> Aided
6. Select -> Elect
7. Scraps -> Craps
8. Usage -> Sage
Monday’s Quizzler is……….
The following group of numbers represents an 11-letter word. Can you figure out the word?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
LINKS: http://www.slampi.org., http://www.hopeBUILD.org. http://www.GodLovesPraise.com, http://www.stlzoo.org