Think about it!
* Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
* Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you’re in a public restroom.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
* Money isn’t everything….there’s credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.

“Language-teaching app Duolingo recently added Klingon to its course selection. By
the way, if you have the Duolingo app on your phone and you use it to learn
Klingon, you can delete Tinder.” -Conan O’Brien

“There was some exciting science news today, researchers say they discovered a new
human organ they are calling the interstitium. It’s a layer underneath the skin and they
believe it’s the largest organ in the human body. But the discovery of the interstitium is
very exciting. It allows someone like me to say, “I’m not overweight,
I’m just big-interstitiumed.'” -James Corden

“A new study suggests that marriage is more beneficial for men than women. The results
of the study were shouted at me through a locked bedroom door.” -Seth Meyers