Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Thursday May 31, 2018.

Real Court Excerpts….

Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person  dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and  doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?😐

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?😱😱

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid  question, interrupted himself

and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary’s Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!


That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Thursday people, and whatever you do, don’t  forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES...

“Froot Loops cereal has added a new flavor, Wild Berry. People who tried the new flavor say it tastes like ‘wild berries, plus sugar, minus wild berries.'” -Conan O’Brien

“Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom.  It’s only been a week but I guess Disney is already thinking about changing their slogan. It used to be ‘The Happiest Place on Earth.’ Now they are considering new slogans, like ‘Disney World: Where You Wish Upon a Bar.'” -Jimmy Fallon

“This week a California man recorded his wife giving birth, and accidentally live streamed it to the world on Facebook. I’ve heard of people on Facebook oversharing, but ovary sharing? ” -James Corden

  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgement Day and, of course,
he used Biblical phraseology whenever he could. “Oh, my friends,” he intoned, “imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness,  removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My  friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!” At this point, one of the elders of the congregation  interrupted to say, “But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has  no teeth?” The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, “My friends,
the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured… teeth will be  provided!”

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

 “They said it was a million dollar wound, but the army must keep that money ’cause I still haven’t seen a nickel of that million dollars.”

ANSWER: Forrest Gump!

This story was about a man with a low I.Q. and how he met his true love. He also saw many historic moments and met several important people of his era. Forrest said this when he was sitting at the bus stop talking with a man he did not know.

Thursdays Movie Trivia of the day!
“And most recently of all, a ‘Roman Toga Party’ was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.”
but they don’t. See if you can figure out the missing letters in each sentence.
Example: One symptom of bronchitis is a ro___ co___. (The two words are: rough & cough.)

1. A pig farmer’s job could be called p___ w___.
2. A dog injury could be called a ho___ wo___.
3. For racing, a mixed ho___ is wo___ than a thoroughbred.
4. I he___ your be___ has been shaved into a goatee.

In each sentence below, two words are incomplete. The two words end in the same three letters, so they look like they should rhyme,
but they don’t. See if you can figure out the missing letters in each sentence.
Example: One symptom of bronchitis is a ro___ co___. (The two words are: rough & cough.)

1. A pig farmer’s job could be called p___ w___.
2. A dog injury could be called a ho___ wo___.
3. For racing, a mixed ho___ is wo___ than a thoroughbred.
4. I he___ your be___ has been shaved into a goatee.

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……
In each sentence below, two words are incomplete. The two words end in the same three letters, so they look like they should rhyme,

but they don’t. See if you can figure out the missing letters in each sentence.
Example: One symptom of bronchitis is a ro___ co___. (The two words are: rough & cough.)

1. A pig farmer’s job could be called p___ w___.
2. A dog injury could be called a ho___ wo___.
3. For racing, a mixed ho___ is wo___ than a thoroughbred.
4. I he___ your be___ has been shaved into a goatee.

Answer: 1. pork work
2. hound wound
3. horse worse
4. heard beard

Thursday’s Quizzler is……….
A cracker company was very mad when they heard the results from their cracker survey. The result said that the customers would prefer crackers to nothing at all. The same customers think that donuts are better than everything else.

A new employee at the company had to tell their boss the bad news, but he saw a window of opportunity to get a promotion. When he got to his boss, he told him that the customers really preferred crackers to donuts.

How did he come up with that?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

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