Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

BBH9bji
WELCOME to Friday June 1, 2018.

Describe professions…… What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet lack common sense. You chose a marketing  degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on  drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job  responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without  a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone  calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact  with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you  are instead content to completely control everything that happens at  your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but  who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school.  It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really  causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are  mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in  the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the  majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential  information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization.  Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you  are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely  spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest  of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your  worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best  suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab  ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your  parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for  promotions, your best bet is to have an affair with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced  yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will  spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the  success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work  for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations  in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability  to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the  latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are  genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually  suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great weekend people, and whatever you do, don’t  forget to LAUGH IT UP! Peace I am outta here, Eucman!
DAILY QUOTES...

I have six locks on  my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no
matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Elayne Boosler

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. George Ade

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in  such a fashion as to

make you think the confusion is your own fault.  William Castle

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me. Song title by Jimmy Buffet

Man was predestined to have free will. Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell. Aldous Huxley

Murphy was an optimist. O’Toole’s Commentary

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all

the people who say he is very good. Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t. Douglas Adams

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe  is that it has never

tried to contact us. Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes😁

  

G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.  About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned  and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mommy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

“And most recently of all, a ‘Roman Toga Party’ was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.”

ANSWER: Animal House!

In “Animal House” the Delta House of Faber College was the bad fraternity. The Dean wanted them kicked off campus and did whatever it took to do just that. While he was doing that the fraternity had other plans. This was said during the preliminary hearing of the Delta House to disband the fraternity.

Fridays Movie Trivia of the day!
Courtney: “Darcy thinks she should get captain ’cause her dad pays for everything.”
Whitney: “He should use some of that money to buy her a clue.”
but they don’t. See if you can figure out the missing letters in each sentence.
Example: One symptom of bronchitis is a ro___ co___. (The two words are: rough & cough.)

1. A pig farmer’s job could be called p___ w___.
2. A dog injury could be called a ho___ wo___.
3. For racing, a mixed ho___ is wo___ than a thoroughbred.
4. I he___ your be___ has been shaved into a goatee.

In each sentence below, two words are incomplete. The two words end in the same three letters, so they look like they should rhyme,
but they don’t. See if you can figure out the missing letters in each sentence.
Example: One symptom of bronchitis is a ro___ co___. (The two words are: rough & cough.)

1. A pig farmer’s job could be called p___ w___.
2. A dog injury could be called a ho___ wo___.
3. For racing, a mixed ho___ is wo___ than a thoroughbred.
4. I he___ your be___ has been shaved into a goatee.

Thursday’s Quizzler is……
A cracker company was very mad when they heard the results from their cracker survey. The result said that the customers would prefer crackers to nothing at all. The same customers think that donuts are better than everything else. A new employee at the company had to tell their boss the bad news, but he saw a window of opportunity to get a promotion. When he got to his boss, he told him that the customers really preferred crackers to donuts. How did he come up with that?

Answer
The new employee told the boss that they know two facts;

1) Crackers are better than nothing, and
2) Nothing is better than donuts

If you put two of them together, you get that crackers are better than donuts.

Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Solve the 10 clues. Take each initial letter, to form a new 10 letter word.

1. Polite greeting
2. Opposite of begin
3. It comes from a bulb
4. Eskimo’s home
5. Another name for an axe (or ax)
6. Black Sabbath front man
7. Where a child may play
8. Large vessel for liquids
9. To change something
10. Neither left, nor wrong

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s