1. Glass is a liquid. After approximately 10 years a window will be thicker at the bottom than at the top.

2. At the height of the Cold War the Americans made the smallest drill bit they possibly could and sent it to the Russians as a display of their power. The Russians promptly drilled a hole through the bit and sent it back.

3. Earth’s rotation is caused by penguins running around the south pole.

4. The grave of Karl Marx is just another Communist plot.

5. The French have one of the lowest instances of heart disease in Europe – even with their rich diet – as their doctors are under instruction to classify any heart attacks etc as ‘natural causes’ on the death certificate.

6. The Eiffel Tower increases in weight by 52 tons when it is repainted every 7 years!

7. In Japan hospitals don’t have fourth or ninth floors why? the number 4 is pronounced “shi” and means DEATH and the number 9 is pronounced “ku” which means PAIN.

8. When reclaiming old graveyards for new developments, a disturbing number of the exhumed coffins have scratch marks on the inside of the lids.

9. A woman in America sat for 2 hours in a supermarket car park holding her brains in after being shot. When someone eventually came to her aid they found a can of Pillsbury Dough – it had exploded in the back of her car and splattered her on the back of her head.  (Sounds like one of my old bosses😁😎)

10. The saying “saved by the bell” comes from the old days when they used to dig up graves and find scratch marks on the inside of coffins. People used to attach a piece of string to the inside of the coffin and this used to run up through the earth and was attached to a bell. If the person was still alive they could pull the string hence “saved by the bell” Also the saying “dead ringer” and “graveyard shift” come from the same thing!!

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

Relationships are like fat people… Most of them don’t work out.

I’m in shape… Unfortunately, it’s the shape of a potato.

I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.” 😐

Old people at weddings always poke me and say “you’re next”. So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.😱

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems… unless you’re fat.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.

I changed all my passwords to “incorrect”, so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Therefore, chocolate is salad.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.