Friday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Friday February 1, 2019.
 
A SECRETARY’S RULES FOR WORK……

1.  Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until
4:00 and then bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline
is refreshing.

2.  If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me
every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every
keystroke.

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going.
It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where
you are.

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or
supplies, don’t open the door for me.  I need to learn how
to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms
is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose
all use of my limbs.

5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me
which is priority. I am a psychic.

6.  Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and
really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no
life beyond work.

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that
gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8.  If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my
name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be
whipped.

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write
them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
No use confusing me with useful information.

10.  Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have
no right to know anything.  In the corporate food chain,
I am plankton.  When you refer to them later, my shrewd
deductions will identify them.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! HAVE A WONDERFUL COLD WEEKEND PEOPLE!
Whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

DAILY QUOTES…

 

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. — Agnes Repplier

We don’t laugh because we’re happy, we are happy because we laugh. — William James

We look before and after, and pine for what is not; our sincerest laughter with some pain is fraught; our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought. — Percy Shelley

We women take love too seriously. Men wish to be loved with laughter, not with sighing. So laugh, sweetheart, laugh, or soon you may be weeping. — Minna Thomas Antrim

What is funny about us is precisely that we take ourselves too seriously. — Reinhold Neibuhr

When humor goes, there goes civilization. — Erma Bombeck

When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. And now when every new baby is born its first laugh becomes a fairy. So there ought to be one fairy for every boy or girl. — Sir James Matthew Barrie

When we can begin to take our failures non-seriously, it means we are ceasing to be afraid of them. It is of immense importance to learn to laugh at ourselves. — Katherine Mansfield

When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested. — Josh Billings

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes…

Tony, having his second son christened, was much concerned
about getting the correct name on the birth certificate.

“Will you please name the baby just as I give it to you?”

“Certainly,” answered the minister, “why shouldn’t I?”

“Well you see, it’s like this,” replied Tony. “When I told
you I wanted to name my first boy Tom, you wrote on his
birth certificate ‘Thomas.’

This boy I want to name Jack.”😳

 

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

“I tell you somethin’, you’re a smart fella. Don’t get too smart. Pretty smart myself.”
“Everybody in the room is smart.”
Answer:Absence of Malice!
In this scene Assistant U.S. Attorney General James A. Wells (Wilford Brimley) is chairing a meeting of the main characters, in this movie about trying to unravel what looks like a case of political corruption. Several newspaper articles, written by naïve but well-meaning reporter Megan Carter (Sally Field), have tarnished the reputation of liquor warehouse owner Michael Gallagher (Paul Newman), caused his girlfriend to commit suicide and caused his warehouse workers to be confronted by a union picket line. In order to get even, he cooks up an ingenious scheme. When Wells says to Gallagher, “I seem to wanna ask if you set all this up. If I do, you ain’t gonna tell me, are you?” and then answers his own question with, “No.” Wells then says line one and Gallagher responds with line two.

Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “Savannah would be better for ya. You’d just get in trouble in Atlanta.” “What trouble are you talking about?”

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is……

Pirate Pete had been captured by a Spanish general and sentenced to death by his 50-man firing squad.

Pete cringed, as he knew their reputation for being the worst firing squad in the Spanish military. They were such bad shots that they would often all miss their targets and simply maim their victims, leaving them to bleed to death, as the general’s tradition was to only allow one shot per man to save on ammunition. The thought of a slow painful death made Pete beg for mercy.

“Very well, I have some compassion. You may choose where the men stand when they shoot you and I will add 50 extra men to the squad to ensure someone will at least hit you. Perhaps if they stand closer they will kill you quicker, if you’re lucky,” snickered the general. “Oh, and just so you don’t get any funny ideas, they can’t stand more than 20 ft away, they must be facing you, and you must remain tied to the post in the middle of the yard. And to show I’m not totally heartless, if you aren’t dead by sundown I’ll release you so you can die peacefully outside the compound. I must go now but will return tomorrow and see to it that you are buried in a nice spot, though with 100 men, I doubt there will be much left of you to bury.”

After giving his instructions the general left. Upon his return the next day, he found that Pete had been set free alive and well. “How could this be?” demanded the general. “It was where Pete had us stand,” explained the captain of the squad.

Where did Pete tell them to stand?

Answer: Pete told them to form a circle around him. All the squad was facing in at Pete, ready to shoot, when they realized that everyone who missed would likely end up shooting another squad member. So no one dared to fire, knowing the risk. Thus at sundown he was released.


 

Friday’s Quizzler is…….

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) a circular depression & a part for a canine actor
2) a container for an alcoholic beverage & an insignificant insect
3) a container for a container & the bottom of a coffin
4) a cunning wolf relative & insect foot coverings

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in MONDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

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