Thursday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Thursday January 31, 2019.
Vocabulary Lessons for New Parents…..

BOTTLE FEEDING An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT! What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OW The first word spoken by children with older siblings

PUDDLE A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

THUNDERSTORM A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies & a cape. (Had one that jumped every night!)

WHODUNIT None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! HAVE A WONDERFUL THURSDAY PEOPLE!
Whatever you do, don’t forget to LAFF IT UP! Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!

 

DAILY QUOTES…

“A man and his 75-year-old mom survived being lifted out of their home during a tornado by sitting together in a bathtub. The man said the tornado didn’t traumatize him
but being in a bathtub with his mother did.” -Conan O’Brien

“I’ve been trying to say ‘I love you’ more often, starting this morning. I said it to my family before I left the house. And then to my barista. And then to her manager, when the barista complained that one of the customers was making her uncomfortable.” -Stephen Colbert

“According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.” -Seth Meyers

Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes…

Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she
and her husband were struggling with a big decision on
whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered
to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole
congregation, “Let’s all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a
decision about the missionary position.” 😱😳😎

 

Wednesday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???

“You need someone to buy the ticket and claim the winnings, but it has to be someone you absolutely trust.” “One beard, check.”
Answer:Lucky Numbers!
In this scene TV weatherman Russ Richards (John Travolta) and TV lottery girl Crystal (Lisa Kudrow) are sitting at the bar in the strip club owned by shady character Gig (Tim Roth) and are discussing with Gig the things they will need for a scam of the Pennsylvania State Lottery (those three are the only ones there). Gig says line one and Crystal, who is taking notes, replies with line two. Russ is basically a good guy who gets backed into this situation, thanks to some bad investments and then because of a botched robbery whose goal was to fake an insurance claim. “Beard” is a slang term for an individual who falsely represents himself. When TV station manager Dick Simmons (Ed O’Neill) figures out how they did it, things get sticky!

Thursday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “I tell you somethin’, you’re a smart fella. Don’t get too smart. Pretty smart myself.” “Everybody in the room is smart.”

 

Wednesday’s Quizzler is……

Emperor Akbar once ruled over India. He was a wise and intelligent ruler; and he had in his court the Nine Gems, his nine advisors, who were each known for a particular skill. One of these Gems was Birbal, known for his wit and wisdom. The story below is one of the examples of his wit. Do you have it in you to find the answer?

Once, Birbal was invited to Persia by the Persian king. He was honoured with celebrations in his honour and many presents and gifts were heaped on him.

After a few days of revelry and enjoyment, it was time to head back home. On the eve of his departure, a nobleman of Persia asked him how he would describe the king of Persia in comparison to his own king.

“Your king is the full moon,” said Birbal. “Whereas mine is like the quarter moon.”

The Persians were very happy with this answer and sent Birbal off with great pomp and gaiety.

But when Birbal got home, he found that Emperor Akbar was furious. It was obvious that information about his “praise” of the Persian king had preceded his own arrival.

“How could you belittle your own king?” demanded a furious Emperor Akbar. “You are a traitor!”

Birbal objected to this and said that he had, in fact, praised his own king! How did Birbal explain this to the king?


Answer:

“No, Your Majesty,” said Birbal. “I did not belittle you. The full moon diminishes and ultimately disappears whereas the quarter moon grows from strength to strength. What I, in fact, proclaimed to the world is that your power is growing from day to day whereas that of the king of Persia is declining.”

Akbar was overjoyed at this answer and welcomed Birbal back with a royal embrace and a celebration in his honour.

 

Thursday’s Quizzler is…….

Pirate Pete had been captured by a Spanish general and sentenced to death by his 50-man firing squad.

Pete cringed, as he knew their reputation for being the worst firing squad in the Spanish military. They were such bad shots that they would often all miss their targets and simply maim their victims, leaving them to bleed to death, as the general’s tradition was to only allow one shot per man to save on ammunition. The thought of a slow painful death made Pete beg for mercy.

“Very well, I have some compassion. You may choose where the men stand when they shoot you and I will add 50 extra men to the squad to ensure someone will at least hit you. Perhaps if they stand closer they will kill you quicker, if you’re lucky,” snickered the general. “Oh, and just so you don’t get any funny ideas, they can’t stand more than 20 ft away, they must be facing you, and you must remain tied to the post in the middle of the yard. And to show I’m not totally heartless, if you aren’t dead by sundown I’ll release you so you can die peacefully outside the compound. I must go now but will return tomorrow and see to it that you are buried in a nice spot, though with 100 men, I doubt there will be much left of you to bury.”

After giving his instructions the general left. Upon his return the next day, he found that Pete had been set free alive and well. “How could this be?” demanded the general. “It was where Pete had us stand,” explained the captain of the squad.

Where did Pete tell them to stand?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in FRIDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/

RECOMMENDED WEBSITE LINKS:

http://www.slampi.org, http://www.hopeBUILD.org, http://www.GodLovesPraise.com, https://elisabethluxe.com, http://www.themuscleministry.com,

CHECK OUT MY BOOK online at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FF669PT/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1531337765&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Banquet+Servers+Hand+Guide#,

Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. http://www.amazon.com

 

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