Monday’s Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers and Teases!

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WELCOME to Monday November 11, 2019
 
Here’s the story… 
Saturday I went into my bank and a new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this Bank has installed new Video Drive-through ATM machines.  Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
    distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake. 😱 😳😁
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Monday people and whatever you do,
don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
Quotes of the Day
We found a spider in the house and my girlfriend told me to take it out instead of killing it. So we went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
When my wife gets upset, sometimes a simple ‘Calm down, Honey’ in
a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot more upset.
“I think the bottom-line difference between being single and married is this: When you’re
single you’re as happy as you are. When you’re married, you can only be as happy
as the least happy person in the house.” –Tom Hertz

“Finally, I saw that Starbucks just unveiled its holiday cups, which had illustrations that

customers can color in themselves. It’s perfect for people who are too busy to make
their own coffee at home, yet still have enough time to color in a coffee cup.” -Jimmy Fallon

“Amazon has unveiled a new way to view its products in 3-D. Amazon is calling
its new invention a ‘store.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You’d only
use it twice a year, but that’s more than I use the ‘Potato’ button on my microwave.” -Jimmy Kimmel
 
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….  
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained. The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?” I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.” He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”  😁
 
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? 
“First you gotta do the Truffle Shuffle.”
Answer:  The Goonies!

Mouth (Feldman) tells this to Chunk before he is allowed to enter Mikey’s (Astin’s) house. The Truffle Shuffle is Chunk’s embarassing dance. The children try to think of a way to save their homes from high mortgage interest rates on their properties. The kids find a map in their attic, marking the supposed location of a famous pirate’s treasure. The kids end up at an abandoned restaurant, which also happens to be the hideout of the convicted Fratelli family. After finding their way through the dark basement, they find a series of tunnels equipped with booby traps set by the pirate, One-Eyed Willie to keep his beloved treasure safe.
 
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.”

 
Friday’s Quizzler is….​
Which abbreviation from Group A should be in Group B?

GROUP A
adj.
B.C.
etc.
No.
pl.

GROUP B
a
A.D.
c
e.g.
i.e.

Answer:   etc.

All the words from GROUP B are all Latin abbreviations used commonly in the English language, whereas GROUP A, with the exception of “etc.” are all abbreviations from the English language.
a = ante (before)
A.D. = Anno Domini (in the year of the lord, however commonly incorrectly translated as “after death”)
c = circa (about)
e.g. = exempli gratia (for example)
i.e. = id est (that is)
etc. = et cetera (and the rest)
 
 
 
Monday’s Quizzler is…….
A physics teacher used to enjoy tricking his students into learning science facts. One day, he placed an 8-ounce glass filled with water on a table. He then produced 2 straws; one straw he placed into the glass of water and the other he held outside the glass.

“Class,” he said, “I am willing to fund a pizza party for the class if any one of you can drink this glass of water in 5 minutes using only these two straws.” The class was amazed; this would be an easy task for any of them. “There are a few conditions,” he continued. “You must drink using both straws at the same time. You must drink using slow and steady draws. You cannot block or obstruct either straw in any way. You cannot lift or tilt the glass off of the table. And finally, one straw must remain outside of the glass.”
The class selected their champion and felt confident that they would be enjoying pizza at the same time next week. Five minutes later, the champion returned to his seat, defeated, and the class sat with jaws agape. Being a good sport, the teacher still bought pizza for the class the next week, confident they would never forget the lesson he taught them.

Why did the champion fail?

LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in TUESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!  Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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CHECK OUT MY BOOK online at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07FF669PT/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1531337765&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Banquet+Servers+Hand+Guide#, Amazon.com: The Banquet Servers Hand Guide (Basic) eBook: Euclid Strayhorn: Kindle Store. http://www.amazon.com
 

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