WELCOME to Tuesday November 12, 2019
1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
3. I have my own little world. But it’s OK, they know me here.
4. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
6. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
8. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.
10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
12. Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Happy Tuesday people and whatever you do, don’t forget to laff it up! Peace, I am outta here! Eucman!
Quotes of the Day
“Modesty in an actor is as fake as
passion in a call girl.” – Jackie Gleason
“Good taste is the enemy
of comedy.” – Mel Brooks
Were it offered to my choice, I should have
no objection to a repetition of the same life
from its beginning, only asking the advantages
authors have in a second edition to correct
some faults in the first.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at
a time and sometimes you weep.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven
years and not once have we had an argument serious
enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
We’ve got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest
orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes.
If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute.
If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let
him work it out for himself. (A Night in Casablanca)
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes….
A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation. One child wrote the following: “We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. “They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well. There is a swimming pool, too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they
don’t know how to swim. At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds. Some of the people can’t get past the man in the dollhouse to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work
hard so I can be retarded some day, too. When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.”😁
Monday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from??? “
“We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.”
HI (Cage), a wacky criminal arrested for robbing convenience stores, falls in love with Edwina McDonnough, the cop who takes his picture after each arrest. She finally accepts his proposal and the two get married. HI also serves as the narrator in most of the film. This quote is made at the beginning of the movie before the couple realize they cannot have children. The couple cannot adopt a child either, because of HI’s prison record. The next logical step, in the couple’s eyes, is to kidnap one of the quintuplets of a big time funiture salesman. Between HI’s convict friends, (Goodman and Forsythe), HI’s boss’s family and the Lone Biker, the couple have a very complicated time in holding on to “their” baby. Everyone wants a piece of the reward.
Tuesday’s Movie Trivia of the day! What movie is this quote from???
“No sir. I didn’t see you playing with your dolls again.”
Monday’s Quizzler is….
A physics teacher used to enjoy tricking his students into learning science facts. One day, he placed an 8-ounce glass filled with water on a table. He then produced 2 straws; one straw he placed into the glass of water and the other he held outside the glass.
“Class,” he said, “I am willing to fund a pizza party for the class if any one of you can drink this glass of water in 5 minutes using only these two straws.” The class was amazed; this would be an easy task for any of them. “There are a few conditions,” he continued. “You must drink using both straws at the same time. You must drink using slow and steady draws. You cannot block or obstruct either straw in any way. You cannot lift or tilt the glass off of the table. And finally, one straw must remain outside of the glass.”
The class selected their champion and felt confident that they would be enjoying pizza at the same time next week. Five minutes later, the champion returned to his seat, defeated, and the class sat with jaws agape. Being a good sport, the teacher still bought pizza for the class the next week, confident they would never forget the lesson he taught them.
Why did the champion fail?
Answer: The teacher knew a lot about air pressure. He knew that air from a high-pressure area would always seek to fill an area of lower pressure, such as a vacuum. He also knew that a straw worked on this principle. Drawing on the straw creates a low-pressure area in the mouth; air pressure pushes down on the water and forces it up into the straw. When he placed the second straw outside the glass, and thus outside the water, he gave the air a more direct path from the high-pressure area to the low-pressure area. With slow steady draws on the straws, the air will easily rush in through the second straw to fill the low-pressure area, and the water will remain in the glass. Try it at home!
Tuesday’s Quizzler is…….
A beggar found a leather purse that someone had dropped in the marketplace. Opening it, he discovered that it contained 100 pieces of gold. Then he heard a merchant shout, “A reward! A reward to the one who finds my leather purse!”
Being an honest man, the beggar came forward and handed the purse to the merchant saying, “Here is your purse. May I have the reward now?”
“Reward?” scoffed the merchant, greedily counting his gold. “Why the purse I dropped had 200 pieces of gold in it. You’ve already stolen more than the reward! Go away or I’ll tell the police.”
“I’m an honest man,” said the beggar defiantly. “Let us take this matter to the court.”
In court, the judge patiently listened to both sides of the story of a leather bag lost and a leather bag found. He counted the coins; 100 gold coins in total. Then said, “If all was said is true then it’s clear that no reward is necessary.”
How did the judge rule on this case?
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAYS, Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases!
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